This Circle Never Ends

I Am Alive

2011-11-14T14:21:00.000-08:00

It's a little sad that the only thing that can really make you feel mortal is someone around your age dying about 100 feet from where you sat unknowing.

I don't really know the story behind it as they aren't releasing anything which is sort of good at least as far as respect for her memory and for her family goes...

I guess she was in Clark though. No foul play. Her roommate just found her unresponsive.

I haven't really been able to do anything other than sit here and stare at the screen hoping that someone will be able to say something else. It'll probably be a while before anyone can say anything though.

I just pray this is the only death I experience I have at Ferris...

Problem?

2011-11-07T19:38:00.000-08:00

It seems as if there are 4 words in his dictionary. "I", "love", "miss", and "you".

And I mean, sure. It's nice to be dating a guy that actually expresses feelings rather than claiming that it was weird to say it more than like twice a day. But it's not a cure all. It's not something that should be said when there's something wrong or when you can't think of anything else to say, whether that means you just don't know how to respond or you don't know what else to talk about.

I don't know why it's bugging me so badly today. Maybe it's partly to do with this last weekend and my lovely parents fighting in the middle of the gym and the doubt I've had for the last however many years that love even actually exists let alone the probability of anyone caring about me to any degree.

Maybe it's just the fear that this is just going to end up like it did last time. With a giant hole in my chest and an intense bitterness that takes forever to even slightly diminish, let alone leave.

Heh, as you can see I'm not done being bitter over the last time. I by no means still care about Cameron, but the memory of that pain and anguish after all was said and done still has me reeling.

And I know Brandon is different, even if it is only slightly by some people's standards. He might be a manipulator, but he's not a douche about it. As shown by his current friendship with Megan, should something ever happen between he and I, I know he'd at least TRY to stay friends.

Which are 2 things I'm not really sure how I feel about. One being his friendship with Megan, the second being the thought of actually attempting to stay friends should something ever happen.

With the Megan thing, I'm not going to tell him he can't talk to her. Half the time I think they end up pissed at each other anyway. I don't know. I guess what bugs me most is that he still has feelings for her, even if it is the "I never really had a chance to really get over you/you were my first girlfriend of course I'm still going to have feelings for you" kind.

As for should things turn sour between us...well I hope they won't, but I guess no one knows the future. I mean, dummy me thought I'd be with Cameron forever (however unfortunate that would have ended up in the long run should I have), so who's to say what's concrete? I just still don't know how I'd be able to be friends with someone if I wasn't over them. Even if something happened and I did the breaking up with him, I don't feel as if it would be fair to him to keep showing up and just being around in general if I knew he wasn't over me. At least I wouldn't want him around, at least until I thought I could control myself around him.

Perhaps I should just stop thinking for now. Because you know. The past posts in this blog have proven that that's worked so well before.

When We Awake We'll Know That Everything's All Right

2011-07-10T21:05:00.000-07:00

16 pages. 16 fucking pages.

There were 16 pages worth of "reasons" for him to kill himself.

And to top it all off...I was the last person in my family to see him alive...Lord knows the guilt will flow for a very long time because of that fact, especially with my mother around...

I should have known something was terribly wrong. I should have known that he wasn't okay. I should have said something, ANYTHING to ANYONE.

I guess I just didn't stop to think about it. The look in his eyes didn't register until after I heard he was gone...he joked like he usually did. He even called me "munchkin" like he has before.

I've dealt with suicide before. I've been on the brink of it myself. I guess it shouldn't shock me so much, especially with my past experiences with death. I just can't believe he would do it...

I don't know what's going to happen now. I don't know who's going to want to live in that house now. I don't know what's going to happen with mom, especially since she was pretty close to him. He used to jokingly call her his mother because she was always checking in on him. He used to call and ask how his favorite neighbors to the North were doing, saying that it was our favorite neighbor to the South calling.

I don't know.

I doubt I will for a while.

Stuck Watching Our Lives Blow Up

2011-05-31T19:40:00.000-07:00

Yeah. So.

I went downstairs at ~10:20pm today to go to the bathroom one last time before bed. Guess who was still asleep. Oh right. My lovely father.

SOB can't even wake up on his own anymore.

So I woke him up, only to see an enormous look of panic on his face, and rightly so since usually he's left by that time.

I let him use the bathroom first, since his bladder is apparently no bigger than the size of a pea and he can't possibly hold it longer than 60 minutes. He proceeds to get his numerous medicines for the evening and say that he feels like complete and utter crap. I ask him how me means and he says he just does and he doesn't know why.

Anyways, he goes to get his stuff downstairs not long after. I'm barely sitting for longer than a few seconds and he comes back to the door doing his stupid little "potty dance" saying that I had to get off NOW because his bowels couldn't possibly hold it for an extra 60 seconds.

Either way, I asked if he needed meds only to be told (snottily, if I may add) that he didn't need drugs, and that he just felt like crap (as stated earlier). When asked how I could assist, he replied with "turn down the heat."

This is the same man that has been sleeping in our living room all day in the freaking AIR CONDITIONING! There's absolutely NO excuse to still be hot sitting around with an air conditioner blowing on you for 15 hours. NONE.

So whatever dick. You don't want my help? I won't give it to you, ever. Forget I ever existed since you don't care about any of us anyway. Since your life that you've built is so terrible. I guess it's all your fault. Learn to live with your "mistakes" instead of making the rest of us pay for them and feel even worse about ourselves.

If you ever outlive mom and/or ever get remarried you're never seeing me again. You're never seeing your grandkids. I'll leave you be, since you don't seem particularly interested in any of us and it seems as if you couldn't care any less than you do.

I guess you're lucky you're paying for my education because if you wouldn't have gotten the wake up call tonight.

Too bad you'll never read this.

Too bad you'll never realize how much I hate you.

I'm Begging You For Mercy

2011-04-07T22:32:00.000-07:00

This week could not get much worse. Sunday, the weather decided to have diarrhea all over the state of Michigan. This resulted in me getting a grand total of 4 hours of sleep before my final Bio test before the final for the semester. Since I suck at Bio as it is, I was already stressing as it was. The fucking thunderstorm didn't help much. Monday morning comes and I take the test. I felt pretty good about it afterwards so I had some hope that I'd done well. I'll get back to that later. Tuesday comes, and I decide to get nervous to the point where I can barely think, let alone function thanks to the interview to be a peer mentor next year. Oh, plus in my Chem class we (Monday lab) found out that we'd have to redo the day before's lab because we did it wrong when our professor didn't make it exactly clear what he wanted us to do. Oh, he then blamed it on us. The interview came later that night and I think it went well, but I honestly won't know for sure until next week. Wednesday started out quite well. Then all the drama hit. Brandon's dad started drinking again, Zach decided that that was the night he wanted to text me and blame our dwindling friendship on me, Dale decided to call me when I was trying to make Brandon feel better about the whole dad thing, and I discovered that I don't know if a friendship with Zach is possible for much longer. Thursday, I had Biology lab and found out what I got on the test. I got a fucking 63%. And that was AFTER the curve. I have a C+ in the class, the lowest grade I've ever had in my life. I think I've got a C+ in Chem right now, too, but I should be able to bring that up with this next test. But still. I told my mom and she got kind of pissed. At least I know I'm passing. Oh, plus I had a Psych test. I guess that wasn't so bad though. With my luck I failed it though. So now, it's almost 2 in the morning on Friday and Brandon finds out that his buddy that was coming to Ferris this weekend and was going to give him a ride isn't signed up for the hockey whatever it is like he thought he was and has no reason to come, but would still bring Brandon if he'd pay for all of the gas. The only problem with that is that if his buddy can't find a place to stay for the weekend, it's going to cost upwards of $60. I'd be willing to help pay for the gas, but I really doubt he's coming now. Which means an entire weekend alone doing the 106 Chem problems from the end of the chapters for this next test while I feel my brain slowly expand to the point of explosion. I have a Calc test later this morning too :/ I swear. Every single thing that could possibly go wrong is this week and it's rather annoying. I'm ready for this semester to be over. I'm ready to be home for a few months, even if 6 weeks of my summer is being spent in classes at Delta. It'll still be home, and Brandon will be 5 minutes from my house, and the sun will be out more and it'll be warm...and hopefully this much shit won't go wrong. Maybe I just need sleep...I don't know. I guess we'll see later tomorrow if Brandon's coming, and if he isn't then it's going to be a very shitty weekend. I guess I'd rather he didn't spend the money if he could avoid it though. I know $60 is a lot of money right now. He'd feel guilty for spending it, even if it was on me, and I'd feel guilty asking him to. I just hope next week is better.

Another Dance

2011-02-02T19:45:00.000-08:00

Well. This has been an interesting last couple of days.

The dating circle has started yet again. This time? Zach Revette. No. I'm not kidding. In all honesty, it's really weird to think about. We're giving it the old college try though, so I guess we'll see what happens.

Heh, we keep calling each other bestie. I guess when you're so used to calling someone by one name you stick to it out of habit.

It's hard to believe that we've been talking for nearly 2 years now. It's just crazy how fast time goes.

In other news, Dale apparently thought that I liked him as more than a friend. Wtc? We were talking about how he likes this girl that I don't particularly care for, and he asked why I don't like her. I told him why and he said he thought it was for some other reason (being that I liked him, which I don't). So that was kind of an awkward conversation. One that I haven't had to have in a long time. Hopefully I won't have to have it again for a while now.

Sooo, I know it's stupid, but I want to talk to Cameron again. No, I don't like him still. No, I don't still want the impossible. I guess I just want to prove to myself that I'm fully over him and that it's not just my brain playing tricks on me. That and my grudge is gone.

But then there's the reasonable side of me that says not to because he's just a jackass. He's liked status's of Zach's that were kind of rude to like. Plus he keeps reminding me more and more of my dad as time goes on. Well. My dad and Taylor. Or at least how Taylor used to be.

Well, I guess I better go to bed since I have class tomorrow. The snow day was fun while it lasted.

Do I Dare Disturb The Universe?

2010-11-08T21:10:00.000-08:00

I started this blog in January of 2009. It's been almost 2 years. Perhaps the circle really does exist.

I suppose we'll see for sure come July.

Damn that's a long time to wait.

I'm kind of tired of waiting. In case you couldn't tell. In more ways than one what I'm waiting for probably isn't even worth the wait.

Why wait then? Because there's nothing else I can do. Not unless I seriously want to screw over myself and about 6 or so other people.

On the bright side, I think I've actually gained a couple of friends.

Nicole is...surprisingly understanding and nice to me despite the things I've said to Zach about her.

Lexi seems okay. I'm not terribly sure about her yet though.

"Anything worth it is never easy."

I'd like to disagree with that statement right there ^

Wanna know why? Because Public Speaking isn't easy. And it's SO not worth it. I don't feel as if I've become a better communicator thus far. I just feel like I know how to write a weird form of an essay and stand in front of a class and butcher the entire thing.

Andrew Jansen messaged me on facebook today. Wtf?

It's not just random, it's a little weird and awkward because he just asked if I've found a boyfriend yet. As if the universe would be that kind. I'm just waiting for this to end up like everything else like that always does.

Awesome. Per usual.

It's Always The Last Place You Look

2010-10-19T19:44:00.000-07:00

Maybe this has the makings of a better week? We'll see.

I've decided to knit mom's scarf instead of crochet it. I'm crocheted out after Emily's and I'm kind of afraid to gain stitches again like the last time. I still don't know how on earth that happened.

I need more peanut butter.

My Bio prof's dad died today. That kind of sucks. I wonder if she'll be in class the next few days or if she'll be gone? Don't know.

Hopefully Agrawal has our tests graded tomorrow. I want to see what I have so I can figure out my grade to know how bad it is. I'll have at least a B if he doesn't drop the one quiz grade yet. Otherwise I might have a B+/A- which I'm kind of hoping for since I apparently have an A- in Chem right now and a B+ in Bio...I kind of want to know how I did on my demo speech today too.

Otherwise, I need to study for my Public Speaking midterm this week/weekend and I need to reread The Last Lecture. Hopefully that won't take very long.

At least my Tuesday's will be freeing up a little bit in the next few weeks. I just have to write a 500 word "reflection paper" and I'm done with my Honors class. Easy A right? I'd say so.

At least I found that stupid paper I've been looking for for the last few days. One less thing to worry about.

Oh, and I'll have one Crafter's event done after next Thursday. Thank God. Only one more of those to go after that and one more 5 star event and I'll be able to have my hours for the semester turned in.

Speaking of events. I need to write that paper and turn it in tomorrow so that I only have one more cultural event paper to do. Maybe I'll do that between Precalc and Bio lab. If Bio lab is even happening anyways. I'm guessing it will be though. We'll see.

Patience Is A Virtue God Forgot To Give Me

2010-10-18T19:41:00.000-07:00

Why do I give in so easily?

Why do I stop worrying about what I wanted and just give in to whatever the other person wants?

Is it because I just lose patience too easily?

Because I can't keep saying no?

Because I tend to be too nice?

Why?

Because it's seriously getting old.

This is twice in less than a month.

That doesn't bode well for the rest of the year.

You And Your Brown Eyes

2010-10-18T11:49:00.000-07:00

I can't believe he's gone now too. What's with everyone dying? Or getting pregnant. Or getting married. One of the three.

Friday was fun for the most part. Saturday was good. Sunday, not so much.

Zach's being a jerk again. Woo. We'll see where this one goes now.

I want to sleep. But I can't. Which sucks.

I have to give a demo speech tomorrow. Yuck.

Precalc test was easy today.

It's cold. I hate it.

I still can't find that paper I need for Thursday. Awesome.

Meh.

How can you forget the past when the present is the same?

Do You Remember That?

2010-10-13T13:18:00.000-07:00

Apparently not.

But I do.

I always will.

I'll always remember the reasons why.

Why I stopped talking to you.

Why I didn't want anything to do with you.

Why it's possible I still don't.

You can feign ignorance all you want.

But I know the truth.

And if you really want this...

Well we'll see on Friday.

That'll probably be the determining factor on whether it stays your way, or it stays mine.

We'll see.

When Repetition Ends We'll Start Over

2010-10-11T13:25:00.000-07:00

Wow. Long time no post. Maybe that's a good thing. Don't know.

I guess Cameron and I are "friends" again. We'll see how that works out. If nothing else it'll piss a couple people off which could be fun. I seriously doubt it'll ever amount to much though. Nothing like that ever does even though a few people seem to think something that obviously isn't true. Unless Emily really is a doom-sayer too. Then we're all in trouble.

In other news, I'm actually doing pretty well in classes here. I might actually have a chance at getting into Pharmacy school after next year. I might actually do better than Erin! Ha. We can only hope for that one.

People here are pretty amazing except for a few. But you always get those people that no one seems to like.

Dad had heart bypass surgery a month ago last Thursday. Things are progressing well as far as I know. The only thing I really hear about him is about how much mom wishes he would go do something because all he does is sit around. That's not really anything new though.

I meet with my advisor this week which means I get to schedule classes soon for next semester. If I have it figured out right, I'll only have 15 credits. Talk about boring. Next fall I'll have 18-19 though. That'll be more fun. Well. O-Chem will be. English won't.

Speaking of English, I CLEPed out of English 150. You would not believe how happy I was when I found that out. That's an entire semester less that I have to worry about. I can take Sociology now, too which is good.

Anyways. Honors Public Speaking kind of sucks. Yeah, the prof's great but some of the things she has us do for our speeches is really odd. Oh well. Demo's are in a few weeks which should be fun. I think I might try to teach marching basics since I can get my marching shoes when I go home this weekend. It's easier to roll step in them even if they are uncomfortable.

Oh right. I have an impromptu speech to give tomorrow too. You have to talk for 5 minutes on a quote and then you get 50 points. If you don't make 5 minutes then you get one do-over. Should be fun.

I'm almost done making Em's birthday present. I'm crocheting her a scarf. I gotta finish that soon though since her birthday's this weekend. I can probably finish in around an hour though. Maybe on Thursday or Friday after I get home. After that I gotta start on my mom's for the Western/Central game so she can wear some red and white when she marches out on the field to play the fight song. I sooooo want to see that but we'll see if I can make it. Hopefully.

I'm waiting for tomorrow to suck. Every Tuesday since classes started has sucked. Something goes majorly wrong just as I have to start heading to the next class and I don't have any time between anything to do anything else. Maybe I'll get out of chem lab early tomorrow and I'll have a little break to just chill.

We'll see.

2010-02-24T15:35:00.000-08:00

Fuck you bitch. I could snap you like a twig. I'm done. With all of you. Good-bye.

There's Some Hope Left In It Yet

2010-02-21T10:14:00.000-08:00

This has the makings of another fucked up week.

I got up this morning after the phone rang. Emily told me that mom called to tell us that Mr. Stevens died last night. He had a (another) heart attack.

I hate death. It makes me think. And when I already spent all of yeseterday thinking about things I shouldn't, this just makes it worse.

I need to sort some things out...I'm not really sure if I can believe Tim because I don't know what his motives are. Most of me believes what he says though.

Maybe...? Nah.

We'll see what happens.

If It Wasn't For Guys Like You There Wouldn't Be Songs Like This

2010-02-05T17:59:00.000-08:00

I am quite happy today, despite the nausiating headache. And depsite the fact that Nathan might start texting me again... -_-'

I'm Going To Dean You In The Face

2010-02-04T15:20:00.000-08:00

So. Since I'm free, whether others want to believe that or not, I have nothing to hold back.

Today I find myself feeling quite happy for no reason in particular other than knowing that for once I've actually won a personal battle. I know, shocking. It's nice though.

Nathan messaged me the other day. I'm not going to talk to him excessively but I guess as long as he keeps his distance and doesn't try anything creepy then I'll talk to him.

Kirsten's turning out to be a really good friend. I'm suprised she even trusted me with what she did. I'm glad she did though. To me it means she trusts me and that I can trust her. Sure, I might not have wanted to at first, but I'm enjoying having someone to talk to all the time again.

Zach's been fun to talk to, too. We've taken up to playing the question game. Heh, I'm suprised but I think I actually shocked him with a few questions once or twice. I think he tried to shock me, but Gabe's asked me worse. Hell, NATHAN'S asked me worse.

And now I'm creeped out. Nathan said he saw me at St. Paul's dinner thing the other day...I didn't see him or even know he was there until afterwards when he posted it as his status...hm...strange...

Brad Crafton tried to get me to patch things up with Amber. I told him my side of the story. Supposedly he sees my point of view. He still wants me to patch things up I think. I'm not really sure I want to though. I'm enjoying my "new life" as I've just started calling it much more than that other life. I don't really want to go back to the blackhole.

Victor's turning out to be a really good friend too. I'd say he's a replacement, but he's better than what he replaced by 10 billion%. It is, strange, though, that lately I've seen and talked to Victor more than Cameron. Granted, I'm not complaining. I like Victor. He's like a confidant. He's helped more than most people have combined. Of course, Cameron did teach me the ultimate lesson...he taught me that it really is okay to cry. No one else has been able to teach me that even though they've tried.

So yeah.

Whatever.

Freeeeeeeeeeeeeee

2010-01-28T17:37:00.000-08:00

Ha! So there. I win. Go burn in the deepest level of Hell, douche fag. Even that's too gracious a punishment for you.

Go Ask Alice

2010-01-16T15:49:00.001-08:00

Hm...so much to write but nothing to write about. Perhaps I'll drive myself insane with this stupid cycle. At least I finally found the piano music for Watch Me Bleed. I just have to learn how to play it now. HA! Maybe in another life.

From the looks of things I'm the only one that remembered the significance of today. Whatever. It just pisses me off more when I think about it so I guess I shouldn't think about it.

I haven't talked to Tim in a while. Maybe he's mad because I won't break up with Cameron for him. Maybe he's just not interested in talking anymore. Bo's reappeared, too. Strange as it may seem and for as much as we talked this past summer not much has come up for a conversation. Oh well.

Emily's acting more and more like I should be doing nothing but making her happy. That part's getting really annoying. It's why for the first time I think ever in my life I actually wanted to slam my fist through the window on the bus and shatter it into a million pieces and watch the blood slowly drip down my hand. Part of me is really scared of that side of me, but the other part likes it...that's probably not a good thing.

I hate being alone in this house. It makes me think way too much and a lot of the memories that come flooding back are enough to make me want to smash my head into the laptop in front of me. I won't of course, because if I wreck it then my mom would have a cow and I'd never get to see daylight ever again other than to go to school. I know, big exageration there but yeah.

At least I'm not shaking like last night. That was bad. But I guess adrenaline does crazy shit to one's body.

Ugh. I'm still freezing. Every muscle in my body aches from the cold. I don't even know why I'm so flipping cold when I've got a ton of clothes on. The kitchen seems pretty warm, too. Great. Maybe I am getting sick.

Dad's getting more depressed. All mom can talk about is how he's worse and about how all he does is sleep and play games. At least he's still working. If he was laid off Emily and I would never hear the end of it.

Yesterday was their 19th anniversary. Heh, more like an "I wish we had a divorce"-ary. Dad pretty much just looked at his card from mom and went on complaining about how he feels like crap. So, of course, mom had to complain about all of that.

Mark is getting worse, too. He keeps yelling at mom and telling her she's a bad mother and accusing her of saying things about him behind his back just because Emily doesn't want to deal with him. At least he's staying away from me so Cameron should be happy. Even though I still talk to him more than Emily does. Again, whatever.

I need to figure out why my meds aren't working for this stupid non-allergic uticaria. I'm still really itchy lately and I've been taking one every 12 hours. Maybe God's just punishing me for the crap I can't seem to do right.

Or maybe I'm just completely and utterly bitter at the moment. Maybe I just need a nice long hot shower and a good cry. Maybe that would help.

...maybe.

Pain Is Just A Simple Compromise So We Can Get What We Want Out Of It

2009-12-10T15:31:00.000-08:00

There has to be a reason. Correction...there has to be some OTHER reason.

Did I do something? Did I not do something? Is there something going on that I'm unaware of?

Do I burst out and be blunt about everything? Do I hold back? Or do I just ask you here?

Screw it...I'm writing it now...

In case you haven't noticed, nothing's really changed. The only thing that "changed" is you invited me to lunch with you a few times with your friends. It's pretty much right back to where it started when we decided that things needed to change. And I want things to change...but do you?

I know. You say you do. But you haven't exactly proved it much...

I just need to know what exactly is going through your head...

"You Know You Drive Me Crazy, Right?"

2009-11-29T10:04:00.000-08:00

And he does drive me crazy. Not the bad kind of crazy, just the dangerous kind. I say it's the dangerous kind because I realized for the first time last night just how out of hand things could possibly get if both of us slipped. I do agree with him though that we need more time with each other...alone. When that's going to happen is another story though.

I still haven't told him what I want for Christmas. Mostly because I'm happy just having him. Partly because I don't want him spending money on me. I don't want Sami spending money on me either. Fortunately I made her promise not to even consider buying me anything. Unfortunately, I'm not really sure I believe her when she said she would promise me. Oh well.

My Aunt Diane and Copper are finally gone. Thank God for that one. I seriously don't know how mom put up with LIVING with her for so long. I mean, yeah I love my aunt and all that, but I could never actually LIVE with her.

I've been talking to Kirsten lately. She's pretty cool. I'm glad I'm getting a chance to get to know her, even if Cameron says it kind of scares him. I'm not really sure what he has to be scared about. It's just his girlfriend and one of his other friends talking. What's so wrong about that?

Alma's offering me $13,000 a year. That's kind of exciting. So if Ferris doesn't get their ass in gear soon then I'm going to Alma. I mean, yeah it's not pharm school, but it's still pre-pharm so it's a start...it's just going to be a matter of which credits can be transferred after I'm done at Alma.

I need to start listening for truth in people's words. Maybe then I wouldn't be quite so "overprotective." It might cause a lot less problems now and in the future, too. I guess that's just one more thing to have to work on. Great. Perfect. Wonderful.

All I Wanted Was You

2009-11-22T17:05:00.000-08:00

Heh. Wow. I'm so sick of being on a rollercoaster it's not even funny. One week I'm depressed and literally on the brink of killing myself (thank you, Alina, btw for saving me from that fate) and the next I'm about ready to explode from happiness.

I'm just glad that right now I'm more in between things. I'm still kind of mad that Ferris hasn't sent me ANYTHING other than from the honors program saying that I was being considered. On the other hand I have 2 options as far as where I actually CAN go considering that GVSU and Alma were nice enough to accept me. Neither is exactly optimal for what I was hoping, but I guess if worse comes to worse I can't complain that I don't have a back up plan. At least it's not Delta where I'll be "making the Delta difference." Mind you, I have nothing against the people that go there. It's what I have against the school itself.

I went over to Cameron's yesterday. Things are better again as far as I can tell. I just hope my brain doesn't spaz out and do something weird like that again...I hate relapses. Especially not ones that lead back to that blackhole. I'm sick of it. Mostly because it's in desperate need of a makeover. Nothing but black gets really old after a while.

But anyway. I went over for dinner...that was interesting as always. Suprisingly Taylor was actually somewhat pleasant. Or at least as pleasant as he can get. It was probably because he was leaving to go be with Melissa and whoever else instead of being stuck at home like the last time I was over there to help Cam with Chemistry. I was actually kind of really suprised though when his mom actually closed the door to the room we were in. It certainly wasn't what I expected given all the things I've heard about prior experiences with the room. What else all happened, I'll leave unnamed, but it all kind of suprises me nevertheless. Actually, as I look back at the last few months I kind of wonder what happened to my self control, however little there might have been of it before. Partially because it's a little sad that my 15 year old boyfriend has more control than me. Mind you, I'm not discriminating against age. It's just...weird I guess. But maybe I'm just overthinking that all again.

It still shocks me that Cameron's parents actually like me to an extent. I'm not complaining, just wondering why I guess. idk.

I'm still worried about Victor. His mom is still being all weird and all that other stuff and it bothers me that he's alone other than his sister so often. I really wish there was more I could do for him but since I'm not Alina I'm not really sure there's much more I can do other than just be here for him if he decides he needs me.

You know...part of me wishes that I didn't have the same lunch as Emily. As much as I hate to say it about her, she is kind of starting to get a little clingy and I hate that it's apparently affecting Cameron and my relationship somehow...

Emily, Victor and I went to St. Paul Friday after exams. That was pretty fun. Partially cuz I got to see how great Victor is around kids (which also shocks me beyond belief) and because he and I got to try to work with a very strange copy machine that kept copying things wrong and getting jammed. That and a kindergartener told him that his shirt was scary. I'm sorry, but that literally made my day. Emily and I are actually going back Wednesday I guess and I think Mrs. Wyman wants us to teach for her since Friday was her first day back since having her baby and she didn't have much prepaired. I'm not too sure on that one though. I already know all the kids in that class and I know I'd end up losing my temper more than once trying to teach them.

Oh well. Nothing any of us can do but wait and see.

You Can't Be Too Careful Anymore

2009-11-09T15:44:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure where my doubt is steming from this time. It's probably simply just something inside myself that's telling me that I'm worthless again and this is the end result instead of how things used to be.

Although, maybe I'm just being silly. Maybe I have no reason to fear these things at all. Maybe there's a stronger hold in my mind still. Maybe I haven't completely purged myself of that infection I used to call my friends and their words are finally getting to me and my brain is slowly going to implode.

Or maybe I'm just a misguided ghost and nothing is anything worth worrying about.

"Pain is just a simple compromise" is a rather confusing statement. I mean, yes. There is certainly some truth to that. But why does pain have to be what we use as a compromise? Why does pain even exist?

But there I go again. Over thinking. Delving into things that are better left to the dead to ponder. Oh well.

Intoxicated World

2009-11-02T15:19:00.000-08:00

And that *pretty much* sums up my world right now. Intoxicated. No, I'm not drunk. I'm just still high off of this afternoon.

Cameron brought up again today that his parents like me. He also asked me to ask the rest of my family what they thought of him. I'm not entirely sure why he's worried about it to be honest. I mean, yeah every now and again Emily has one of those stupid little outbursts and bitches about him, but there are several different possible reasons for that.

But he makes me happy, so I couldn't honestly care much less if they liked him or not. For once, I'm purposely being selfish.

I'm more than likely getting into Ferris. That'll be fun next year, considering I already told mom I'm going there. Yet she's still making me apply to a few other schools to see who's going to offer me the most money to go there. So far I have apps filled out for CMU, SVSU, GVSU, and Alma. I've still got to fill one out for U of M and possibly MSU while I'm at it. Then again, just with those 4 apps alone it's costing us $115 or there abouts. Kind of a lot considering I doubt I'll even be going to any of those schools anyway.

You know...part of me feels kind of guilty for this afternoon. I'm not entirely sure why since when I was talking to Shelby at the Central-Western game she said it wasn't that big of a deal. Then again, I'm not really sure she's the best person to be asking for advice when she's been on "the other side" for probably about a year now. Okay, that's probably a bit of an exageration. But it has been a while.

In a way, it still suprises me that I've done what I perceived to be impossible before...granted, I have yet to see if Victor is a suitable replacement as my BGFF, but he's living beyond my expectations thus far. In fact, I have a feeling that in the end he'll be far beyond anything my previous BGFF ever could or would have been.

I need to stop thinking about the inevitable. All I can think about is Sami and my conversation last night and about last year with the whole Nathan thing and even things with Taylor and what all happened there. And while I'm thinking about all of that, I can't help thinking of the wedding I worked at last and that in turn depresses me because weddings in themselves depress me beyond belief. Just another way I've been damaged to the point where I'm not sure if I'll be able to be fixed.

But Victor says that terrible things like the whole wedding thing should be forgotten. Now all that's left to do is see if I can actually forget.

At least now I have something to tell Felisha...and Cameron...heh heh...sometimes I love having different ways of doing things.

I'm trying to remember when we have off from school next. It's probably not until Thanksgiving. Which means time with my disfunctional family. Great...and Thanksgiving is at our house this year which means that mom's going to be dashing around the house like a chicken with her head cut off for the next few weeks.

I need to talk to Gabe...he'll listen to everything I have to talk about that I can't put down here...granted, I'm sure I could go to just about anyone in my contact list and talk to them, but I think I'll go with Gabe since he's like my brother and he had asked me to tell him how things went...so yeah.

I think I'll go do my AP Chem test now...maybe then I can practice a little so that I don't feel as unworthy of 2nd chair as I do now...I guess we'll just have to see.

Deal Me Up Another Hit Of Self Mutilation

2009-10-14T16:31:00.000-07:00

There's honestly nothing quite like sitting, thinking, talking to your boyfriend and another girl who seem pretty cool, and listening to the Titanic soundtrack...and then Maria texts me and has to put a damper on things...especially just after Cameron actually almost got it through my head that I shouldn't have to help people as much anymore becaue I'm not going to be around for them forever...

But anyway.

I have a feeling that even if I didn't like that stupid piccolo I'd be forced to keep it anyway. My dad made a comment to my mom earlier apparently...something about my tone being a lot clearer/better on the new one. And yeah. It's a nice picc. There's just still that stubborn part of me that says I shouldn't keep it. Especially after my dad just bought me $35 practice book for picc...

But that's pretty much a different story.

Gabe gave me an interesting lesson today in English...let's just say that I doubt I'll be using it anytime in the near future and that I feel like an idiot because I didn't know much about the subject in the first place.

At least I know that I'm not failing any of my classes...although apparently Mrs. Sullivan wants longer answers out of me. And it's not like I CAN'T write more on a topic...I just don't because I'm afraid that she'll deem my thoughts/answers unacceptable and I'll get a worse grade on the assignment than if I would have just wrote less.

Victor is kind of starting to worry me. He jokes about being a selective psychic and honestly I wonder if he really is now because he seemed to know that I shouldn't just give up earlier because it's "more likely that I'll be posioned than that the balloon will pop" or something along those lines...I don't remember anymore. I guess if you really want to know that bad, look it up on Myspace.

On the bright side, I might be able to go over to Cameron's house on Saturday. Granted, I have to convince my mom to let me and I want him to make sure that his parents won't mind, but it might actually be a good day then after this already shitty week.

I wanna know why it seems like just about everyone else's piccs are acting strange lately. Megan's doesn't want to play a few notes (I don't even remember which anymore), and Taylor's doesn't want to play an A or a B, even though when I tried his it seemed somewhat okay...ehh. Oh well. I guess we'll have to figure it out later.

And I swear to God that if Taylor calls me a big German tree one more time that I'm not going to answer. It's getting really annoying. I don't go around calling him a midget or anything like that. Oh well...at least Holl(e)y's there too to be a "big German tree," too.

Oh yeah. Things with Emily have been TONS better. Of course, I had to yell at her to get the message through to her, but at least she's not getting pissed at me for no apparent reason now when I try to fix things. I guess I should just thank God for that much.

She's Ripping Wings Off Of Butterflies

2009-10-12T15:05:00.000-07:00

$700. That's how much that wretched thing that's sitting in my school bag right now cost. That's $700 that could be used to pay for all the other crap my dad thought he needed. That's $700 that we could have to buy things we actually need.

Granted, it's a very nice piccolo. I really do like it. But I'm not keeping it. I absolutely refuse to. I'm not going to let my dad buy it for me, partially because it's just one more thing that Emily will hold against me. She'll play the "daddy likes you more" card and honestly I'm sick of it. Just because he likes me more doesn't mean that pretty much everyone else does too. Besides. She's the golden child that get's all the simpathy from pretty much everyone because she makes people believe that I'm the "perfect one" when in reality she is.

And I'm sick of being blamed for things I have no control over. Like Emily's chair placement. She's pretty much blaming me because she's 8th out of 9 or something like that when I don't choose who goes where. I don't decide where I sit either so she can't complain about that one either.

And I hate how Sami thinks I'm better than she is and that I'm going to get "her chair." Yeah, I might want "her chair" but everyone knows it's not going to happen. She's too much H's favorite for that to happen and I'm not good enough anyway. Which means I get stuck with crap from 2 different directions.

And then there's Taylor. Granted, he and I are no longer "friends" but there are times when we have brief exchanges. Like today. He wants Cameron to come over here one day this week because he "needs and afternoon off." I told my mom about all that and she looked at me like "you've got to be kidding me" and asked if any of the rest of us got an afternoon off, which honestly none of us really do. I've still got to deal with Emily even though she's been pissed at me for no reason which pisses me off. I can't ship her off to someone else's house. I can't ship my parents off anywhere else. My mom can't ship any of the rest of us off. And plus I don't even know if his mom would let him come over one day. I don't even know for sure if he can come to my aunt's house on Saturday.

Oh. Plus there's all the crap coming from Amber. She tells me I let everyone walk all over me and then she tries to take over several different aspects of my life. I'm pretty close to being done with her bullshit.

So yeah.

Straitjacket Feeling

2009-09-16T15:32:00.000-07:00

Oh, how I wish I could just lock myself in a pitch black room for a couple days right now. At least then maybe I wouldn't be about ready to completely destroy my section, my parents, my sister (on occasion), my teachers, my supposed "best friends," and myself.

Amber's been acting shallower and more bitchy than normal. She's blaming me for things I have no control over and saying that I'm the one that's not putting forth the effort to be friends when she's been going off and drinking with Bree and then turning around and claiming that she never gets wasted or anything like that. Honestly, one of those stories is a load of bull crap cuz you can't say that you're getting wasted one minute and then say that you don't do that crap the next. Seriously. Make up your mind.

Gabe's actually been a relatively good friend recently, although some of his thoughts and such I'm not quite sure I agree with but...eh...actually I'm suprised that he didn't disown me after he found out what exactly happened last winter. I thought he would've been madder... but then again, I thought Cameron would have been, too...

Speaking of Cameron. I guess things are going well there. He came over to my house yesterday after school before practice. That was...fun, I suppose one could say.

As for my section...wow. A majority of them need to learn to use their drill charts. They can't keep relying on me to tell them where they're going. I'm fine with helping out once or possibly twice, but when it's just about EVERY SINGLE TIME that I have to tell someone/people where to go it starts to get a bit annoying. And plus that's only teaching them that it's alright to rely on someone else to tell them where to go. I don't know...but what I do know is that I need to see if I can talk to the whole section at one time and make sure they understand that I don't want to be a bitch, but that they're giving me every right to be one because they aren't fixing what needs to be fixed...but enough about that.

I'm kind of really starting to wish that I wasn't months off of predicting things. It's easier when things happen close to when I think they're going to.

I want to know why I fear things. If I fear that my sister will be mad at me if I try to talk to her, then it just ends up that I don't talk to her which makes her mad anyway. It's basically a lose-lose situation no matter what, even in other instances.

All I know is that that really dark room is starting to sound better and better.

Truth Be Told

2009-08-19T16:38:00.000-07:00

So.

I want the truth. Mostly because I'm sick of being lied to. And I'm sick of being used. And I'm sick of people making it seem as if it doesn't matter what happens to me. And I'm sick of being looked at as a piece of meat. And I'm sick of being told that I'm stupid because I keep trying to go back to the people that apparently treat me like I'm a piece of meat.

I just...I don't know...I'm just getting frustrated knowing 3/4 of things. Or rather, knowing a very large majority of what's going on but wondering what exactly the truth is.

But if the truth is what I think it is...then it's a truth that isn't actually true. I honestly don't think that there will ever be a day where I don't need him, whether he believes that or not. Whether he wants to believe that or not, too.

But I guess that's up to him to realize that. And it's up to him to realize that I don't want to use him. If what I think might be true is apparently true, that is.

But yeah.

Note To Self

2009-08-17T19:13:00.000-07:00

So as I start to write this I'm realizing that I should be wearing my glasses because I can feel my eyes straining...the only problem with that? My glasses are in my bag upstairs on my bed...actually, I'm pretty sure they're literally directly above me. And, with it being me, I don't feel like getting them so I'll just deal with the headache that I'll more than likely get as a result.

I opened my graphing calculator today. The only problem is that I have no idea how to use it. That's probably not a good thing.

As far as family goes, I told my mom today about how I'll actually be meeting a lot of Cam's family next Saturday...that didn't go over too well...and now she's telling me to tell my dad so that he's not asking her about where I'm at because she refuses to tell him...and Cameron wants me to tell him too, even though I don't even know how to go about telling him...I mean, I've made some hints that I thought would clue him in but nooooooooo. My father has to be too much of a dumb shit to be able to figure anything out on his own. But then again, mom thinks the only reason he hasn't questioned anything is because Cameron's "so much" younger than I am. (My mom's words...not mine)

On the bright side, I've got every class with at least 2 of my friends this fall.

As far as my relationship with Cameron...I honestly didn't know or think that it was possible to miss someone this much. Luckily my mom has gotten a little better about letting me actually disappear for a few hours to talk to him so that helps a little bit I guess.

Which reminds me of something that happened earlier. We had just finished with dinner and the phone rings. It was my neighbor, Mark (the one I mow the lawn for). Emily answered and kinda laughed at whatever he said and then she said something about me, laughed some more and handed me the phone. I answer and he starts in on "oh my God! I'm surprised your ears don't hurt from you talking on the phone for like 4 hours!" So yeah...my neighbor yelled at me for talking on the phone for an hour and 38 minutes, even though I was talking to my boyfriend...whether he knows that much or not.

Okay...so that wasn't exactly why he called. He had just called to tell me where he had left my check because he was in too much pain to be able to walk it over (which I can understand, and it's not like its that big a deal for me to walk the whole like 5 steps to his window).

Except then when I got back in the house, my mom started in on money crap and turned my relatively good mood into a rather bad one...

But then I was able to talk to Cameron again for a while so I'm not as bad now.

Except one thing is kind of bothering me...I miss talking to Taylor. I mean, yeah I've got Cameron to talk to...but it's not quite the same. Just because I've got a boyfriend now doesn't mean I don't still need my friends. Granted, he'd say that he's not stopping me or whatever else, but I don't want to cross any invisible lines that I don't know about or do/say something that apparently I'm not allowed to do like invite him to a band function or to do something that he had asked me about. God forbid that I actually try to be nice. No, apparently I'm just supposed to pretend like I've never talked to him before in my life and that he's not or never was at one point my friend.

I'm trying to figure out if Gabe is right about a couple different things...nothing extremely bad per se but just 2 or 3 things that are kind of starting make me wonder. 2 or 3 things that I actually really do wish he was right about.

But what do I know? Oh, that's right.

Nothing apparently.

Beautiful Is Gone

2009-08-15T19:21:00.000-07:00

Horray for random free songs on iTunes.

So I really shouldn't be up writing this because I should be going to bed because I have to be up early tomorrow morning because I've got church...and then apparently we're supposed to be going to Reese to my grandpa's house to go through stuff to see if we want anything or to help get rid of stuff or whatever else. But see, I really don't want to do that because I feel weird about doing that...I feel like I'm like stealing or something...I don't know...it just doesn't feel right to go through his stuff. Not now. Not ever.

I feel different tonight. And I don't think it's a good different, either. Mind you, this different has nothing to do with how I feel about Cameron. No, the way I feel about him I doubt will change anytime soon, if ever. Actually, the different feeling is coming from how I feel about some of my friends. I feel different talking to Amber because in a way, our roles have been switched. She's having to play the supportive friend, and I'm having to play the one who needs supporting. As for Felisha...eh...I'm not really sure how I feel about her right now. Not with all the contradictory things I'm being told.

God! There's so much more to any and all of this...but none of it's really anything I understand in the least to be able to write about it.

Although...if I had any doubts about whether Melissa hates/hated me before, they're all gone now. There's no doubt in my mind that she does. Whether anyone else chooses to believe that or not.

But I better stop speculating before my thought process goes completely downhill.

14 days...

Could You Help Me Push Aside All That I Have Left Behind

2009-08-14T12:01:00.000-07:00

Fail.

A box of colored pencils just fell off the desk in the kitchen at my mom's feet.

But yeah. The kitchen is basically finished now and all that's left to do is clean up the mess, dust everything off, and move everything back to where it should be.

Other than that, the only really *new* thing is that I let Cam read my blog...and as he was reading it, I started to reread what I've posted...not a very smart idea. And why wasn't it a smart idea? Because rereading it is painful. Granted, it's no where near what I was feeling at the time, but it's still painful enough...

It's A Matter Of Time Before We All Run Out

2009-08-08T12:25:00.000-07:00

So yeah...band camp is done and over with which means the only time I ever HAVE to go back is never. But I'll go and visit for the next few years probably.

Our kitchen is pretty much almost done. It's almost done being painted and dad's installing the light fixture right now. Needless to say, that's not working out very well.

But anyways. Band camp was interesting. I found out that who I thought was one of my best friends could possibly be lying to me and everyone else just so she can get attention. I possibly hurt my boyfriend's feelings because I hugged his brother at the dance because I hadn't gotten an actual hug from him in a while which in turn has possibly also led him to be slightly over protective.

Oh. And I told my mother. All she pretty much said was that she was glad that someone was interested in me, but she was a little creeped out by the age difference. And she was mad because I thought I couldn't tell her about it because I thought she'd be mad at me.

So yeah. That's basically my life in a nut shell right now.

Life After Death And Taxes

2009-07-31T16:53:00.000-07:00

So, it's like 8 pm on Friday night and I should be finishing packing for STL/band camp. Oh, and I should be making my "Joe Day" shirt, too...oops.

But yeah. Instead of doing that, I'm writing yet another blog post because I'm OCD and I don't want to leave to go away for a week with only 4 posts for July. Eh...this might be a problem.

Anyway. Things have been interesting the last few days to say the least.

I'm missing Cameron more than ever right now, and I can't wait until Sunday when I get to see him for almost the whole rest of the week. Granted, most of that time we'll be stuck marching and we won't really get to talk at all, but we'll have all those 2 hour breaks to hang out, and we'll probably get to see each other times, too...eh...

I've discovered that I need to get rid of all of my emotions...except for a very select few...but yeah. And I need to start destroying myself again rather than letting any of anything out. Maybe then things wouldn't have a tendency to happen...

Eh...again there's still a lot on my mind but honestly this time I don't really know what it's all about or any of it actually...there's just a lot there that's making my brain hurt...

Can't Slow Down

2009-07-26T17:21:00.000-07:00

So much has happened in the last 4 days it's not even funny.

Saturday was Relay for life. I got there at about 7:30-ish and then was bored out of my mind for like 3 or 4 hours because the only people from Western that were there were the other captains. So then, finally other people started to show up.

So yeah. Then it started to rain and storm and let's just say that I hate being a tree in a thunder storm...not good...

So yeah. Then Cameron introduced me to his friend Lynnette who I swear is pretty much my twin which is really really weird. So yeah. That was fun.

So then after my parents left and Lynnette was gone, Cameron and I just kind of sat behind Mallory Doust's car and talked for like 4 hours or something like that...idk. All I know is that it was a really long time even though it didn't feel like it.

That night was...interesting...really amazing, but still interesting. I feel kinda bad for Trevor though because he wanted to hang out with me because I was pretty much the only one that was friends with him that was there that night/morning and I kind of ignored him...but he deserted us, so...........I guess it's not QUITE as bad...maybe...

So then Monday comes and Lynn texted me and asked me what all had gone on. So yeah...I ended up telling her and then she called me and told me that he had already told her everything but she wanted to see if my story matched up with his and I guess it did and wow I'm making a very long run on sentance...But yeah. So then she told me that he really like me and all that kind of thing and I'm still kind of shocked about what all she told me.

So then later that night he called me. Apparently he had sent me an email that I hadn't had a chance to read yet, but he was wondering if I had at that point. So I told him I hadn't, but just before we hung up (because my mom was being a bitch and telling me to go to bed) he told me to email him my answer in the morning because he had asked me a question. Believe me. By this point I was extremely confused.

So the next morning I check my email...

He asked me out. Plain and simple.

Okay, so it's no where close to "plain and simple" but thats what I'm saying it is anyway.

So yeah...I'm kind of pretty much happy out of my mind and I can't believe any of that happened. So then I was on facebook just kind of doing whatever because I had no idea how to give an answer to that by email and he was online and he started IMing me and he asked me if the part about me "being in a relationship and it's complicated" meant that my answer was yes...so yeah.

And then yesterday we talked literally almost all day. He was texting me from his email in the morning while I was at the store with my mom, and then we were talking online, and then he called me later that afternoon and we talked for like 3 hours on the phone, and then he texted me again with his friend's phone and then we talked online again until I had to get offline at 10:30 cuz that's the time my mom told me I had til and I didn't want to not get off at 10:30 because she's already really mad at me so...

And it's frustrating because while I'm sitting here, probably the happiest I've been in a while, Amber's doing whatever else where ever else wishing she hadn't texted Mike again. I'm still trying to decide why she did. She said that all they talked about was their break up and that all it did was open old wounds.

I suppose I could text Lynnette and tell her in case she doesn't already know...I'd tell Emily but she was a little mad at me the last time I talked to her and I think she'd probably get even madder...I can't tell my parents...not yet anyway...I can't tell Taylor directly for fear of what would happen there...I could call Felisha I suppose, but I don't know when she's home and when she's not this week...I told Sam already...Tasha emailed me and honestly I didn't know she could judge me anymore than she already had...Mrs. Steele wrote on my wall on facebook asking about it...Becca Wise asked about it, too...I don't know. This is all just too new still and it's confusing and complicated and scary and...I don't know...

We've Tried So Hard To Understand, But We Can't

2009-07-20T18:56:00.000-07:00

Grr. I honestly don't know why but I have this urge to just say that over and over and over again. That and "urg."

I'm really not looking forward to tomorrow. 7 is going to come WAAAAAY too early, especially when I didn't get much sleep last night, and I don't know how well I'll sleep tonight, either.

There are other reasons, too, that I'm not looking forward to tomorrow, but most of those revolve around how the only other captain that every really seems to attempt to talk to me at all is Mallory...and rarely Steph.

But yeah.

There's still a lot on my mind. Just nothing I can really explain or talk about...or barely think about for that matter. It's all just too confusing and too weird for me. But I'll get over it...hopefully.

My Karma Ran Over My Dogma

2009-07-07T20:13:00.000-07:00

Well...not really, considering my dog is cowering at my feet right now. Stupid neighbors with their stupid fireworks...

But anyway. I didn't start this post so I could complain about my dumbass neighbors.

I started it because I'm overwhelmed right now. Again, I'm to the point of breaking, but I don't know if this time things can be fixed...I don't know if there's relief...

I don't remember what it was exactly that I did that God's upset with me for this time. It might just even be a combination of all the crap I've done and thought lately...all I know is that I think I've lost one of 4 people that mean the absolute most to me. As for who it is, I'll give you a hint. It's not Amber, Emily, or Felisha.

There aren't any words to describe how much pain I'm in right now at the thought...There aren't any words to describe how lost I feel. There aren't even any words to describe how much I hate myself right now, because the word "hate" doesn't even begin to cover it.

And I'm sorry, Paramore, but I have to disagree with you when you say "I can't let myself regret such selfishness" because all of this is because I'm too fucking selfish. Because I'm too stupid to realize it, and I'm too stupid to change because I'm a God damn Lutheran and I don't like change, so I avoid it all all fucking costs.

And now I've probably lost him...the friend that I love and care about the most. I'm not really sure why...and I know I don't love him as anything other than a friend...but yet it's still different. Different from the love that's avoided me for so long, and more than likely will keep avoiding. Different than the love I have for my sister. Different than the love I have for Amber and Felisha, even. I just...don't understand it...but I wish I did...

<(X.X)> - Kirby's dead. Maybe I can follow soon. Maybe I can find a lake up north to drown in. Maybe I'll just wake up dead one morning.

Whatever. I'm sure that it wouldn't matter how I die, it would only matter that I did because then I'd be out of everyone's way. I wouldn't be around to fuck up anyone else's life or plans. But like I said.

Whatever.

Beyond The Surface

2009-07-06T19:33:00.000-07:00

There really isn't a point for me to be writing this. It's not going to make me feel any better. In fact, if anything it'll make me feel worse. It'll make me realize more than I already have. It'll make me remember more than I want to. It'll make me want to bawl my eyes out, and I really, truly, and honestly can't do that.

And yet, here I sit. Typing. Thinking. Practically destroying myself.

I wish my Grandma Piering was here...I might not be writing this if she was. I might have someone to confide in, other than my friends that hardly talk to me anymore unless they need or want something from me. Maybe then I wouldn't feel as compelled to lie to my mother...I wish she was still here so that Emily might actually remember having a grandmother around. So that she'd actually remember something other than her laying on the bathroom floor after her stroke...of her in the hospital afterwards when she had all those tubes and wires attached to her...

Which reminds me of a second regret in my life. I saw my grandmother once while she was in the hospital. I was too scared to walk into the room to see her. Even Emily wasn't scared to see her. Even Emily was smart enough to go in to see her while she still could, even if it wasn't the real her...which is all just one more reason to hate myself.

And while I'm thinking about reasons to hate myself and about her death and the like, I hate that my father was the one to tell my sister and I that she was gone. And I hate myself all the more because I was foolish enough to stand there and cry in his arms. I was stupid enough to actually believe that that man cared about anyone other than himself. And I'm stupid enough not to realize that I'm just as bad.

Oh well. I guess that gives me something to look forward to. That day we'll meet again. When we're both rotting in the deepest levels of Hell.

You know...it's kind of sad. Emily and I found a video from 1992...most of it involves me crying, but there's a lot on there that makes me miss them all...my Grandma Piering...my Grandma and Grandpa Bass...my Uncle Whittney...almost all of them being people I hardly remember, but remember enough to know that I miss them. Almost all of them people that I wish had been around longer. Not for me specifically...but for Emily, too.

It's also kind of sad, because I've realized that I do look a lot like my mother. Some of the images that came up on the screen of her looked almost exactly like me...it makes me fear for what comes next.

But if I'm to have the same fate as my mother, then it would just be easier to say that I don't need a man. Just like she keeps telling me...just like I keep trying to tell myself...just like I'm trying to think that my "friends" are enough. That they'll all just be enough. That their happiness will be enough to keep me alive for the rest of forever. That Amber and Emily's children will be the only ones I'll ever need in my life.

Hm. As I'm writing this I can't help but think of what Felisha would say if she read this...I dare not try to think of what she'd think...

But it's easy enough for her to say that I shouldn't give up yet. She's found love. She's known it before. She'll more than likely know it again. Plus she's still young. There's still time for her to not make the mistakes that would drive her to this point. If only she understood that much...if only she could understand that much...

Now if only she understood that I can't tell my father how much I hate him. That I can't tell my mother that I hate myself. That I can't tell my sister how I feel because she'll only laugh and tell me that my thoughts are silly and stupid.

If only I understood why I still want that man in my life...despite everything else...despite the fact that he's dead to me...despite the fact that I know there's no actual feeling in that man anymore. And I honestly have to add the "anymore" part because I have proof that he had feelings of other sorts at one point in time. It's sitting in the VCR right now. There's a whole 6 hours worth of it. Probably more if I really looked for some.

But something's changed. Whether it be him, mom, Emily, or me.

All I know is that I want to be told that I'm worthless. I want to be told that no one cares about me and that no one will. I want to be told that I'm a terrible person. That everything is my fault. That everything bad in this world is because I exist. I need someone to confirm the supposed lies I keep telling myself. I need someone to just come out and say what they're all thinking. But no one will. No one ever does. No matter how much I tell myself that. No matter how much I've convinced myself that that's true. But what really hurts the most is that no one will just tell me to my face. They all fill my head with more lies that only make things hurt worse when they show me the exact opposite of what they've told me.

And all I have to look forward to this week is camping with my "happy and beloved" family. All I get to think about from Wednesday until Sunday (minus the brief period of time that my mother, Emily and I get to come back on Friday for the Relay Car Wash) is camping and having to deal with that thing that some call my father. And I doubt I'll have relief because Amber is still out of state, Felisha hasn't quite figured out the whole "texting/emailing" thing, and Taylor doesn't want to talk to me and I'm not going to make him do something he doesn't want to do. Not when I owe him too much to do otherwise.

Hm...I wonder how long the battery on my iPod can last when it's being played for long periods of time...and I wonder how many books I'll end up being able to read...oh well. Speculation for a different time.

"Sometimes I Just Know Things"

2009-06-25T19:15:00.000-07:00

And I hate that I do. I wish I could just be as dumb as everyone thinks I am. I wish that I didn't know what was going on between people. I wish that I didn't know every painful truth. Yet I wish that I wasn't lied to. I'd say that maybe it would just be better for me to just not know anything and for people to just not tell me anything, but that bothers me, too. It also bothers me that I get lied to, even when people aren't trying to. I hate that I tell my friends something, then they tell me something else, then I end up right, then I'm told that they're sorry and that they didn't mean for anything to happen. Even though I TOLD THEM THAT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN! And it bothers me still further that I was told that one of my "friends" would help me out if I ever got to the point of suicide. I was almost there while I was talking to them, and what ends up happening? They were to preoccupied to notice. So, as concequence, I'm sitting here contemplating all the ways I could possibly kill myself with out my mother and/or sister finding out or discovering me while I'm trying to rid the world of my meaningless existance, and while doing the least amount of damage to the very very very select few that might possibly care even the smallest little bit. Perhaps I'll finish off that bottle of everclear that my mom's had on top of the fridge for God only knows how long...along with the rest of the stuff that's up there...maybe...but I guess we'll just have to see what happens.

11:11 PM

2009-06-23T19:54:00.000-07:00

That's the time that I'm starting to write this. And why am I still awake and on the computer you ask? Well it's quite simple...sort of.

I'm IMing people. That's the reason I'm still on the computer and awake. Who are these people, you ask? Well...mostly it's just Amber right now. But I was talking to the mysterious "Scribblez" for a while.

The only thing is that he's not so mysterious anymore. He told me who he is, and I found out that I know who he is in real life...I told Felisha who he is and she kinda sorta freaked out a little bit.

It went like this. I was talking to her about how I was either hyper or I was having an adrenaline rush. She said she thought it was just me being hyper. So I made the mistake of telling her that she didn't know that I wasn't having an adrenaline rush because she didn't know what else I was doing besides talking to her. That's when she asked me if I was talking to him...I was a little afraid to answer her flat out because I thought she'd be mad at me if she knew for sure. But I told her eventually. And then I told her that he didn't seem that bad for her to be so worried about me talking to him. Eventually she got to the point where she was "aw"ing at some of the stuff he's done and some of what he's said to me. And then I learned his name...and I told her...and she freaked out because she thinks that he might have been involved with the police at one point in time...but I told her that he seemed nice to me, and that we were just talking as friends. That and that I don't judge people...or at least I try not to...so finally she said that she wasn't going to stop me from talking to him. Which works because unless he says that he doesn't want to talk to me anymore, I'm not going to not talk to him.

It still frustrates me a little bit...the whole knowing things that I probably shouldn't...don't get me wrong. It's useful sometimes. It just gets old after a while. Especially when what I'm right about makes me depressed.

But now that it's almost midnight, I'm going to stop my little whatever this is and continue on some other time. Because believe you me. I have MUCH more to go on about.

Sick Of Bearing The Guilt

2009-06-18T16:52:00.000-07:00

I hate being lied to. And a majority of the people that know me know that I hate being lied to. And yet what do they STILL do? Right. They lie to me. And I know they are, too. So why are they bothering to do it? Oh right. Maybe because they all hate me.

Honestly? Right now that's not the only thing that I hate. I hate that I miss Gabe. Mind you, I have no romantic feelings towards him...anymore anyway. That was last year. I'm not going back there again. I think I just miss having a friend that's not really in the middle of everything. I miss having someone that doesn't lie to me, doesn't judge me, and makes me laugh...

I shouldn't miss him, though. He's just a really good friend. Granted, I used to talk to him for hours on end and I haven't actually talked to him since Richie's grad party the day before he left for camp. And even then it wasn't for as long as we have been.

But this is where my biggest regret comes in. If I had just.........well...I'll just tell you that things might be a little different now if I had...and I look back and ask myself why I didn't. Probably because I was afraid of what might happen after that. I feared for what I could have had. And now I need what I could have had. But I blew that one.

I'm just glad that he and I are still talking to each other after all of that. At least we both agree that things are perfect the way they are between the two of us. Besides. He's too much like dad for my liking.

But now I'm confused because I know that I don't have feelings for him and I know that I shouldn't, but I'm being told that I act like I do.

And I'm frustrated because I don't want to get in any arguments with people over this. I've already had too many problems trying to defend myself on this issue.

I'm also frustrated because people don't understand that it is possible for me to have close guy friends. Brandon and Shelby especially.

I should probably stop now because all this talk about my strange past involving Gabe is bringing back several painful memories. It's bad enough without those on top of it all.

You're Not Sorry

2009-06-14T19:32:00.000-07:00

I can't help but notice that I feel much better since Friday night. I'm not really sure if it's just simply the fact that finally someone sort of understand what it is that I so desperately need, or if there's some other reason that I'm overlooking.

I find it rather funny that my father actually figured out something that my mother didn't. And I find it even funnier that my mom basically told my dad that he was wrong, even though this time he's right.

I think Amber really is over the whole Mike thing because when I told her that he had asked me to tell her that he was sorry, she actually said that he could text her if he wanted. Had she not been over it, she would have said something along the lines of "yeah right, that guy doesn't deserve forgiveness" and then wouldn't have wanted anything more to do with him.

They called this morning reminding me of my stupid appointment tomorrow. And of course the lady had to add the fact that I'm not 18 yet so I have to have a parent present. As if I didn't know that I wasn't 18 yet and that I needed a parent in the room with me. But thanks lady. You just pushed me slightly closer to the edge. Granted, I've still got quite a ways to go before I actually go over again...

Gabe texted me this morning asking a rather random question. But that was at, like, 6 this morning and I didn't get it until almost 11 so he hasn't sent me anything back yet because he's at that CMU band camp thing.

Amber hasn't texted me since last night. Mostly I think because neither of us have anything interesting to talk about during the summer, so we just don't talk that much. That is, as long as neither of our parents are being bitches (which, anymore, isn't very often) or we didn't have something fun happen. Or unless we're making plans to hang out.

Other than all of that, things are rather boring right now. Dad's actually doing something today (*gasp!* shocking, I know), even if it is only cleaning out the trailer. Mom's being her usual bitchy self...what's new with that, right? Emily's being her usual blob. And Penny's just being her normal weird self.

Like I said. Boring.

What's A "Vacation?"

2009-06-12T17:48:00.000-07:00

Dad's laid off again. And of course, he couldn't be happier. Yet the rest of us are wondering how much longer we can live if he isn't working.

My appointment with Dr. McAvoy looms ever closer. Part of me wants to just go and get it over with, and the other part just wants to scream and say go away, I'll handle myself. But I can't just run away from this, unfortunately. That stupid whatever you want to call it is pretty much the only thing I can't bluff about. It's easy to conceal pain...it's harder to conceal hives. But I haven't had any in a few months, so things are good in that respect.

I hate that I can't say what I think. I hate that every place I think I can hide what I want to say whatever I want without other people finding out always ends up being found. And then I can't say what I think because people don't like it. At this rate, I'm going to turn into my mom who's currently about ready to snap. Or perhaps I already have turned into my mother in that respect.

I really do think I need a vacation, or a break, or something. I'm getting overloaded with this whole situation. Although, I don't think it would be so bad if it was only a few people talking to me about an issue, but when it's several people butting in where they don't belong I start to hate everyone and everything, and I don't want anything else to do with the matter or anyone involved. But I can't get into my thoughts on that. Mostly because those thoughts would make me think what I've been told before not to think. Although, it's not like I'm not already thinking them. But I guess it's just better not to voice them.

I'm really starting to hate the guy that invented the telephone. I've been waiting for 3 hours or so for Felisha to write me back so that I know when I'm picking her up tomorrow morning. And for all the time I've waited trying to figure that out, I could have had an answer and not had to worry about whether or not she knew what time it was that I was picking her up. But no. I'm stuck wondering if she'll ever get back on the fucking computer to settle a time. I'm half tempted to just show up at her door in the morning. But that would be rude and I'd more than likely have someone come and kill me in my sleep the next night for doing that.

But it's not really like I care much if someone were to come and kill me.

I'm stopping here, though, because I know that no one wants to hear anything that I have to say. So XP.

How Many Times Can I Break 'Til I Shatter?

2009-06-11T16:53:00.000-07:00

I'm pissed at the world today. Mostly because it just hasn't been all that great of a day to begin with.

We went shopping today, mostly because mom wanted to get this drink thing at Kohls and it was on sale, and I had gift cards from Christmas and my birthday I wanted to use up. Not that bad right? Well mom got pissed because she didn't find anything there and Em and I did.

But then as we were pulling out of the parking lot, this stupid chick in the left turn lane decided to cut in front of us as we were turning right. So as a chain reaction, I yelled "what the fuck?!" Yeah...not a good idea.

So then we went to Best Buy to use up my gift card, and I got a little mad because I thought that they had the Pride and Pejudice soundtrack and then they didn't. So I got Linkin Park's Hybrid Theory and a Tchaikovsky greatest hits CD. Which I guess works. But then as we were driving back home down Bay road, this guy in his fancy red Saturn zippy car thing discovers that he was in the lane that ended. So he cuts us off and then thinks that he needs to wave at us even though mom made it clear that she wasn't very happy with him. God, I wanted to flip that douche bag off...but mom wouldn't let me after the whole "what the fuck" thing...

But that's not where it ended. Dad got home and started asking me questions about how my battle with Gabe went yesterday and I really didn't feel like talking to him. So I gave him the least amount of information I possibly could. Except, part of what pissed me off was that when he first walked in the door, he saw the luggage stuff that Em and I got today and he looked all excited and he looked at us and said "are you two finally moving out?!" God, I hate that man!

And so then he wanted all of us to go out to dinner tonight because there was a radio club meeting later (or now, as I'm writing this). Except I don't really understand how he can still think that all of us can afford to go out to eat. It's just dumb.

But as we were eating Gabe started texting me and asked me if I was going to Linda's going away party tonight. I asked mom, and she was like "well you look like you're about to fall over right now. I think you should stay home for one night and go to bed early." So I told him that and he kept pushing and saying "you should come anyway" and I just kept telling him I couldn't, and I didn't have a ride and whatever else and he just kept telling me I should come anyway. So I'm sitting there getting more and more fed up with him and I had to keep checking myself as I'm texting him because I can't just say whatever the hell I want to around him.

Emily lied to me again last night. It pisses me off because she knows that I hate being lied to, and she knows that I'll find out eventually so I don't know why she does. Except she doesn't know that she's helping the others push me towards that stupid little place that I promised Felisha that I would try not to go to.

But none of those jerk offs really care about that, so they're all just going to keep pushing me.

Maybe it's a good thing that I've been thinking of different ways to die recently...

2009-06-07T20:15:00.001-07:00

All I have to say is that I have been emotionally hurt more in the last few hours then I have probably the rest of the year...and that means the entire school year, not just the calander year.

I'm So Tired Of Being Lonely

2009-06-06T15:26:00.000-07:00

I'm mad. Again. But this time it's for a stupid reason, so no one should worry about it.

Amber was going to come over earlier today...but of course, her dad decided not to feel very well so her mom had to take him to the doctor's office while she stayed home and watched the two brats she has for siblings. And then she couldn't come over after he parents got back because she had at least one graduation party today. Possibly two.

But speaking of Amber, Taylor was right when he said that my mom had already seen the romance novels in my bag. She kind of asked me about them the other day and all I told her was that they were Amber's. I'm not really sure if she knows that I'm reading them or not, so when I was earlier I was hiding it between my giant Jane Austen book, pretending that I was reading that instead. Except, I'm not really sure I care much about what she says about me reading them. In a way, I almost need to read them. It's hard to describe how I would need to read them, but it's just how things are I guess.

I'm not really sure if she understands me any better than she did before. I kind of explained things, but I can't be certain that she knows what I mean. Especially when she hurt me emotionally today...unintentionally, of course, but still...and I'm not talking about Amber in this part...

I was talking to Steph today about stuff and she gave me some advice that actually made sense. I still don't feel any better off, but I think she helped me get a little closer to figuring out an answer.

I wish I knew what to believe. I wish I could believe her and Steph. But I don't know...I need to hear it right from the source. Granted, I have before, but I need to hear it again. Especially now, when I'm having more doubts about everything than I ever have before.

Amber called me last night. She was mad at her cousin because she made the group that had gone to the wedding with her last night leave early just as she was starting to have fun. When she was done venting, she started talking about how she's already got her wedding party planned out. She started naming off the names of the 9 girls she wants in her wedding, and then I told her about how I know that I'll have no less than 3 in my wedding party. I told her (again) about how her and Emily are going to be co-maids of honor, and then I decided to make an attempt at humor...I told her that Emily was going to be in charge of the wedding shower, and that she was in charge of the bachelorette party. I think she took that seriously because she said something about already having an idea of what she's going to do for that...

You know...I think that even my mom is getting to the point where she doesn't care much...either that or she's getting to the point where she figures that I'm almost 18 and she needs to start letting me experience things while I'm with her and not with, let's say, Amber and Bree...

God, I wish I was in college. I might not be quite so bad right now if I was going to be a freashman in college next year, rather than being a senior in high school.

I understand now why she worries about me. But I don't understand how she can say that he does. Personally, I think he only acts that way because she really does worry. But that's a speculation for a different time I think.

I wish Emily would remember...things might be slightly better if she did. Or if I could somehow recover what she lost...but I don't really know how to do that much...eh. I'm sure she'll either remember, or I'll figure it out soon. Or at least I hope so.

But I've been rather hopeful lately, so maybe this thinking is only a result of that.

I'm still in a rather good mood, actually. I'm still stuck in that stupid black hole, but I'm not as far in as I generally am so that's a good thing I think.

*sigh* Only about another 2 hours (max) without my father...and I was just starting to enjoy and get used to the idea that he wasn't here. Drat. But he's going back to work first shift for a week, so that'll be an extra few days with minimal dealings with him. Except that also means more complications with unemployment considering they "couldn't" pay him this last time...maybe that'll get cleared up now.

So now I'm off to try and find something to wear to commencement tomorrow, because not only do I have to find something I want to wear, but something that my mom will deem "appropriate."

On the bright side...maybe I'll drop dead before I have to deal with tomorrow or any more fears about my future.

Where's Squirt When I Need Him?!

2009-06-05T15:18:00.000-07:00

Today has been REALLY strange, for various reasons...

I went to Emily's school closing today...nothing too strange there. But then afterwards we went to Mrs. Wyman's baby shower. Also not too strange.

The strange part was that I actually had fun, and that I didn't get depressed.

And then Trevor (my "V buddy") texted me and asked me if he could tell me something...that was an interesting conversation...

So now, as I'm sitting here, I'm texting Gabe. Also not so strange given the last few weeks. But we're in a *playful* argument over who's going to win on Wednesday.

You see, randomly he asked me if my dad played pokémon. I said yes and asked why. He told me that he wanted to battle my dad...except somehow he got to asking me if I played and then he challenged me to a battle on Wednesday at the park...so now I have to scramble because it's on Diamond and I hardly play that one at all...now if it were a Ruby/Sapphire battle then I could have his ass beat down in a second.

So now I'm also a little mad because I had to resort to asking my dad if I could borrow something of his because the highest I've got is level 44...but I'm not really sure if dad's got much higher than that either, plus I don't know what all Gabe is bringing...all I know is that he asked me if I was going to use all one type, or if I was using a bunch of different stuff...I told him I was bringing whatever I could win with, which so far consists of a water and a flying type...I'm screwed...

And yet we keep going back and forth as to who's going to win. He says he is, and I say I am, even though I'm almost positive I'll loose, just because I haven't played in a while. Plus I think my dad switched my DS with one of his or something because the one that was where mine was doesn't feel like mine...but I'm not sure...

So I'm off to prepare for my battle. Don't expect to see or hear from me for a while because I've got a lot of work to do...

Mmhmm

2009-06-04T09:34:00.000-07:00

"You hide your emotion sometimes. You are a moon type of person. You tend to be the quiet type or in contrast, you are happy but sometimes you act it out in order for you to no burden your friends with your problems. You've faced some problems in your life. Your heart has dealt blows before. You tend to think about things alot more than other people. And you may get annoyed with people who act out without thinking about what would happen later. You are also the type of person that others often come to you with their problems because you've been through plenty, and you are very understanding. Though you sometimes feel lonely. Your demeanor is usually chill, and relaxed. You usually are logical, and rely alot on facts and information on decisions. You often keep things to yourself. This is just one side of you, and you have different faces in different situations and environments, just like the moon has phases."

This was the description for the "type of person" I am...thank you weird Facebook quizes.

Well...today is the only day this summer (probably anway...at least as far as I know) that I was going to be alone for any significant amount of time. Which means that, even though today worked, I'm not going to be able to get away with it anymore...which sucks...

Apparently there's a party later tonight for band. I'm not really sure I want to go, but Gabe'll want me to like he wanted me to go to Steph's last night...

I kind of need to talk to Gabe...not for anything of utter importance, but I still need to talk to him.

Hm...it's possible that mom could be home within the next 45 minutes...which means I need to finish this in the next 10 and then go and finish the stuff she asked me to...

I kind of hope I didn't freak dad out this morning...he texted me asking if Em or I would want this weird cup set thing from my Aunt Ann or whoever and then he was all like "GOOD MORNING!" Yeah...I kind of told him that there was no such thing as a good morning. And then he didn't text me back. So now I'm worried that he's going to tell mom about it and then she's going to be all like "what's wrong now? Is there something you're not telling me again?" And then I'll feel guilty, because there are several things I'm not telling her right now, and I really don't ever plan on it. I really don't plan on telling anyone...

Except mom just walked in the door a whole 40 minutes sooner than I expected...oops...

Perfect In Weakness

2009-06-03T14:59:00.000-07:00

There's been some confusion as to what Gabe said to me...he's been texting me a lot lately (as you all know) and asking me questions about his personal life...most of what he asks me revolve around this girl he likes (or rather, liked or still likes but is giving up on).

So the other day he was telling me about how he had decided to give up on her because she wasn't acting like she was interested in him, even though she said she was and because he was tired of asking her to hang out and her always telling him that she was busy and couldn't. So then he made the comment about how "it really hurts when someone you could actually love doesn't seem to give a fuck..." So I told him that I knew exactly what he meant...

So then he asked me if it was this guy that he knew I kinda liked, or if it was someone else, and I told him both because it's the truth. And then he told me that he thinks I shouldn't give up on said guy because he thinks that he likes me, and then he added that he would support me if I did do anything with him because he thinks it's a "smart match" or something like that...although, he also added that he thinks that I shouldn't be blinded by my lust for said guy, because I could end up missing out on someone else (which I understand, but I'm kind of REALLY confused by that statement).

So I let myself believe that this guy that I kind of like (or rather, liked) did like me backand that he cared about me, and then today when I see him he acts as if I don't matter and like he doesn't care and pretty much like a douche bag...

And that's why I'm hurt currently...

Why Isn't He Texting Me Back?!

2009-06-02T16:59:00.000-07:00

URG! So in case no one noticed, I'm frustrated beyond belief right now. Mostly because I'm not getting any answers that I need, but also partly because Gabe (who was texting prior to about 20 minutes ago) isn't texting me anymore. Which means that no one can or is going to make me laugh right now, which means I'm slowly getting to the point where I want to shove my fist through the computer screen.

Oh. And if you ever go to the movies with Gabe...DON'T LET HIM PICK THE MOVIE!!! Seriously! He wanted to go and see "Drag Me To Hell" so that's what we saw. Dumbest. Movie. Ever! Okay...maybe not ever...but it's pretty dang close.

I mean, how dumb of an ending is it when the main character ends up getting taken to Hell after she went through all this other crap?! It's pointless! And what kind of "cursed object" is a button, anyway? I'd like to know what that old lady was thinking...

Actually, parts of it were kind of funny...like when the main character person took a stapler to the weird old lady's head and eye. That was kind of cool. A little gross, but still cool.

And it was kind of funny when Gabe and I took a lot of things that people said or did and turned them into sex jokes...yeah...he and I can't sit next to each other for anything...we cause too much trouble...

Although, it was also kind of funny when the entire car full of people that rode with Gabe came inside my house and took over almost as quickly as my dad's family did. Gabe walked in and threw his keys on the table and then he grabbed my flute and put it together and started playing it...and Holl(e)y came in and sat down at the computer and almost started going through stuff (which might not have ended very pleasant for any of the involved parties)...Stasi came in and grabbed the phone off the wall and I think tried to prank call someone...and I think Trevor just kind of stood there and texted people...I'm not sure...

And then Gabe attempted to play with Penny for a little while (which I don't think worked very well)...and he said that he felt like a ruler or something when he sat down in the computer chair...I don't know...he's strange...

And all this time, he still hasn't texted me back!!! URG!

Although...now that I think back on it, I think his phone was almost dead when we were in the movie theater...

Which also remind me...Holl(e)y owes me $5.

Which also reminds me. I'm frustrated.

Which also reminds me. Amber still has my cookie dough.

Which also reminds me...my dad is gone and he won't be back until Saturday! Or possibly not until Sunday!

Although...I think I overexicted Amber...I told her my dad left this morning and she thought I meant for good. She was all like "hell yeah!" and I was like "well he'll be back on Saturday..." and she was all like "well way to excite me!"...so yeah...

And now I'm even more frustrated, for reasons that I'll leave unspoken...

Ah, the stupidness of some people...

"Never Been" Series, Book 5

2009-05-31T11:04:00.000-07:00

I've decided to put a small portion of the book I'm currently writing here. Mostly because I'd like to get more people's input, and also because if I put it here then I might be able to figure out what I'd like to change from this section. I'm telling whoever right now that this is no where close to done, and that it's far from good or entertaining. If there's any input, let me know. I'd like some other than just "wow I like it, you should write more." So yeah...here it is.

2:48 A.M.

I’d been driving for about 21 hours now. Not a straight 21 hours, mind you. You can only drive for so long with a 4 year old in the backseat constantly complaining that she’s tired and thirsty and has to go to the bathroom. But it’s a small price to pay, I suppose.

I glanced in the rearview mirror back at the wonderful miracle that was my daughter. She was asleep, just as I had hoped. I reached over to turn the radio off. One could only take so much of Relient K, especially when that was all your daughter would listen to.

In the new found silence, I had a chance to think about what could possibly happen when we got there. I traced the route I had planned to take in my head, remembering each stop I had thought to put in for her sake, not mine. If she wasn’t with me, I would only take breaks to go the bathroom. But since she was with me, I had to plan extra stops so she could eat. I always had to eat something, too, despite my constant urge to just stay in the car and drive until we were there.

As I continued to think about our destination, I remembered that my sister had recently moved back to the area. My foot twitched as the urge to drive faster pulsed through me. I hadn’t seen Emilia in what seemed like eons. We had been closer than close before I left for college. But we’d lost touch a little more than 5 years ago.

My urge to go faster immediately deteriorated when I realized that she didn’t know about Leah. I instinctively took my foot off the gas pedal and just coasted down the highway.

What would she say?

I couldn’t bring myself to think about that. She was as traditional as my mother was in the sense that children should not happen out of wedlock. I was sorry that that was how she was conceived, but the joy she brought me was more than enough to squelch that sorrow.

I looked back at Leah.

There were times that I wondered how something so wonderful could be my offspring. She was like me in almost every way, yet she was better. Cameron always said that I was just the same as her. That I was just as amazing. But I had my doubts about that.

She didn’t have as much to worry about. As a result of this, her mind was still pure and devoid of all negative thought. Mine? The exact opposite.

I suppose my mind had been a thing of beauty at one point, just as hers is now. But the events of my teenage years had taken they’re toll on, not only my self-esteem, but every last shred of good I had in me at that point. When I met Cameron, he helped me reclaim some of the good in me back, but I’m still not so sure about myself.

So yeah...that's a little part of it...I'm sorry that it's not very good, and I'm sorry if you hate it...

I. Blame. You.

2009-05-30T13:32:00.000-07:00

I know I just posted a few hours ago, but I'm seriously pissed and depressed and to the point where I want to take a knife and shove it through my heart so that it'll stop hurting.

But most of what's stopping me right now is remembering the description on the back of one of the books that Emily got today at Barnes and Noble. A girl (I don't remember her name) feels inferrior to another girl (whose name is Laura) and feels like she shouldn't be around. But then I guess Laura ends up committing suicide and the other girl is left trying to decide if she wants to end all the pain like Laura did, or if she wants to stay and fight.

The reason this stops me from taking that knife from the drawer, is because I don't want that to end up being my sister's story. Granted, I'm nothing to feel inferrior to, but Emily tends to think that I'm better than she is...

I hate this stupid black hole. I hate that it's so easy anymore for anyone to just come up to me and push me in after I just got back out.

I hate that Emily's teacher is pregnant and that her class is throwing her a baby shower on the last day of school...mostly because most of today consisted of looking at baby crap, and more feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness and depression being washed over every part of me.

And now, as my punishment for being depressed, Felisha isn't emailing me...which almost makes things worse. Mostly because I could have avoided saying anything about being depressed. But no. I just have to go and blow that, too. I guess I have no friends now...well...maybe Gabe, and possibly Amber but...

Emily might be slightly creeped out currently, too...a lot of today has consisted of me digging my nails into the back of my hand and I still have a few marks from it...she saw them and kind of looked at me like I was insane.........I just don't want her mad at me, too, even if I know she doesn't care just like everyone else I know...

And I have to say. I've never had such a strong feeling about wanting to get my book(s) published some day as I did today. I think part of that feeling came from Becca, because I recieved an email from her saying that she loved what I had done with it sense the last time she had read it. It's still no where close to good, though, and it's no where close to finished...but I guess if one person thinks that it's good, then it's one more than there would have been otherwise...which is another thing in itself, because I still have Felisha's edited stuff that I need to get, first of all, and then I need to fix everything as well...

Oh well...I need to write more now. Mostly because I had some inspiration for the part where Haley actually makes it home and meets up with people again...especially the part where she meets up with one of her former best friends...that's what I've got on my mind right now...so that's what I'm going to write.

And to clear up any confusion on whether my book(s) are going to end up as romance novels...the one I'm currently writing is more than likely going to be the only one with any actual sex in it. If any, that is. But I haven't gotten that far in my planning yet...

Eh...more marks on my hand. And I didn't even put them there intentionally...at least the emotional pain I've had for close to 24 hours is slowly starting to dwindle...if only my luck would continue. But I know it won't...

If only it were today, but a year from now...then I'd be on my way to college and I wouldn't have to deal with the people in my life that hate me anymore...

I need to stop...preferably before I end up on the road to visit Death...

I'm Not Angry. I'm Just Saying...

2009-05-30T06:56:00.000-07:00

I'm kind of surprised that I was able to fall asleep at all last night, especially after I felt like I was going to explode from depression and rage. And yet, here I am, writing this because I have pretty much nothing better to do other than write my book. Which I think I'm going to do after I finish with this.

I really wish Gabe would text me this morning...I would really like to find out what happened last night. And I'm trying to figure out why he would be more worried about what he would do to me than he would be about what he would do to him...

I really don't like this...I hate not knowing what happened, especially when it has something to do with me. But I guess I had better get used to it because I don't intend on asking anything of anyone at all.

I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to hide what I plan on doing to myself for the next however long I have to...I honestly think that the only one that would really notice what exactly it is that I'm going to do is my mom. She's pretty much the only one that notices that kind of thing, and she's pretty much the only one that has to pretend that she's concerned about me anyway.

Hm...I think it might be a bad thing when my sister's watching TV and I look over and see this girl chugging a bottle of Jagermeißter and I think that that looks like a good idea.

Man I wish it was New Years Eve right now...I could be getting drunk at Bree's house and not caring what anyone thinks or says because I'd be 18 and halfway through the year so I'd almost be off to college. Maybe by then my life won't seem monotonous anymore.

But maybe my life is so monotonous because I am OCD and everything has to be the same...well screw that.

In fact, maybe so that I can break the monotony I'll get a ladder and climb up on the roof of my house and jump off it. That'd be something different. And then maybe that pain would be enough to get rid of what's stuck inside of me, since I already know that clawing myself doesn't work.

"Life isn't easy. But, death is easy. That's why we fight." Well what if I don't want to fight? What if I want Death to consume me? What if I want to be gone from everyone's life so they don't have to worry about me screwing it up anymore?

Because I know that's what everyone thinks. They think I'm nothing but a waste of space, and a pointless waste of precious resources.

And now I feel kind of sad because I just found out that David Cook's brother died...apparently not long before Grandpa did...

One last thought before I end this. Come and pry control from my dead hands. And that is an invitation.

And I Can't Pretend That I Don't See This

2009-05-25T16:32:00.000-07:00

I'm really starting to think that Gabe is the male version of me. Well...to an extent that is. Almost everything he's been telling me lately has sounded almost exactly like something I've thought and/or wished that I could have told someone. The difference? He can tell me everything and I can't tell him anything. I can't tell anyone anything. Not only will I end up in trouble if I do, but so will several other people. And I don't want to get other people in trouble...

I'm still kind of dreading tomorrow. Partly because I have to give this stupid powerpoint presentation, and mostly because Mrs. Sullivan is going to call me down at some point in the day. At least I know that I won't have 5th hour tomorrow, so that's one less class I have to deal with him staring at me and making me feel even guiltier for something that I didn't even do, even though so many other people say that it should have been done a really long time ago.

Heh. close to 100 texts with Gabe alone today. That's a little sad. Then again, according to the thing we got from Verizon I supposedly had 760 text messages in 3 or 4 days...it's a little funny because my dad had a grand total of 6. Emily broke 100, but mom didn't quite make it that far...maybe I have a problem...

I'm trying to figure out what defines "night." It's 10 minutes to 9 and if I don't finish this soon, mom is going to kick me off the computer and send me to bed even though I still have math homework to finish and a government test to study for...

She's been such a fucking bitch today. First she yells at me because I was doing my homework and not helping her like she asked me to, even though I thought Emily was going to help, and when I asked if she was she didn't answer me. Then, she yells at me because it was almost dinner, she "needed" to get on the computer, and I "wasn't" doing my homework and all I was doing was emailing Felisha and texting Gabe. So then after dinner, I was texting Gabe again, and she started bitching that I needed to go to bed at 9 because I've been "so tired lately."

I think that she thinks that if I got to bed a whole hour earlier that I'm going to fall asleep that whole hour earlier, which in turn is going to make me get up earlier. NOT TRUE! I don't care what time I go to bed the night before. I can almost never get up in the morning.

Eh...so now she's going to get mad because it's 9 and I'm not off the computer or done with my homework...so I better stop before I go off on another rant about whatever.

The Most Crucial Thing I Lack Is A Thing Called Tact

2009-05-23T16:29:00.000-07:00

Ah, the joy of spending time with family. That's all yesterday was. I was awake long enough yesterday to be able to take a shower and dry my hair before we left to go to Reese. And then there was the showing for an hour, and then the funeral for however long. And then, of course, we had to go back to the house in Reese to sit around and let all the in-laws write out the cards to the people while the kids slept or watched TV or whatever and the grandkids sat around bored, looking for something to do because it was too cold outside to go and play on the playground at the school, and the computer was ancient and didn't have any good games on it.

It bugged me at first, when everyone that came to hug me at the funeral would ask me how I was doing concerning Grandpa's death. "Why would anything be wrong?" I had asked myself. It didn't hit me until the undertaker told us to say our last good-byes and my mom broke down with my sister right in front of me.

That was when I thought about how I couldn't break down without him there. That was when I knew that I couldn't break down without him because he is my strength anymore. He's the only thing keeping me together when everything else is falling apart around me. And I honestly don't feel like I can trust myself with anyone else anymore, other than maybe Felisha or Amber on occasion, however rare those occasions may be. He's the only one that I know will care, that I know won't judge me, and that I know will be there if I ask him to be. In fact, he'd probably be there even if I didn't want him to be. But I do, so that was kind of pointless to say...

I seem to be talking to Gabe a lot recently. He's been asking me a lot of question lately, most of which involve his personal life. Except...right now we're asking each other a bunch of very strange and random questions that would be awkward if it were anyone else asking them.

In fact, while my mom, Em and I were at Old Navy this morning, he texted me and asked me what his greatest personal strength is. I answered his question and asked him what he thought mine was, and he said he thinks mine is that I take charge. That, and I can get people to listen to me.

My first reaction to that is "well if people listen to me, then why am I still having a problem with R.G.?"

He he. Gabe and I just got in a mini-argument over who's hotter - Rihanna, or Kiera Knightly. I say Kiera, but he says Rihanna. Then again, part of why I like Kiera over Rihanna is because she's in Pride and Prejudice which is one of my most favorite movies of all time.

Geez o petes he takes forever to think of a question!

...And now my dad is making popcorn on the stove with some weird thing that he got in Pinconning.........talk about random.

I would really like to know what he was thinking when he read my notebook. I told him that he wasn't going to like it...and I want to know which part(s) he was judging himself on, too. Actually, I wish he'd just tell me everything that went through his mind as he was reading it...

As I go back to reread it myself, I realize that I'm an extremely mean and terrible person...I really can't believe I said some of the things that I did! It's no wonder I had no intentions of letting ANYONE read it, ever...except maybe if I ever had a daughter and she was having a hard time with life. Then I might let her read it, but...

Eh...so now my mom is yelling at me, even though it's not even 9 yet...stupid church having to be at 8 in the friggin' morning...oh well.

I Guess It's Safe To Say You're Never Coming Back

2009-05-23T11:45:00.000-07:00

In memory of David George Bass. May he finally find the peace he was so desperately searching for.

"You Aren't One Of Those People That Uses 'OMG' In Normal Conversations Are You?"

2009-05-21T18:36:00.000-07:00

Well, surprise, surprise. My cousin has a new boyfriend. The little slut. And holy crap! What did she do to her hair?! It isn't the best of looks...let's just leave it at that...

I'm worried for Tuesday. I really don't want to get called down to talk to Mrs. Sullivan, mostly because Sam and Tasha told her that I have some of those text messages still, and honestly I don't think I do...I just hope that she takes my word...

So my mom, Emily and I came to find out that my dad was the one to suggest that the grandkids be the paul bearers (or however you spell it...idc anymore). The way my cousins were making it sound, it seemed as if that was what my Grandpa had wanted. And I want to know why my sister and I were the last of everyone (other than my mom) to find out about this. It ticks me off!

Another thing that kind of worries me and kind of ticks me off, is that fact that Taylor took my notebook, despite what I told him about how he wasn't going to like what he read. I'm afraid, because some of the stuff I wrote in there was not the nicest or the most tactful...plus he said that he was judging himself, which, let's face it. That's never a good thing. I'm the master of judging myself, so I know.

It also ticks me off when my mom says "I'm surprised you didn't cry today at the funeral home." Just because I'm at the funeral home, does NOT mean that I have to cry. Granted, that's how it's seemed to work in the past, but in a way this time was different. I felt numb most of the time anyway, both emotionally and physically (they had the AC set to about 30 degrees or so, or at least that's what it felt like...).

It's kind of funny, though, when someone who's used to having a set schedule sees my family and how every plan gets changed a million times before something actually happens. Yes, it gets annoying after a while, but you get used to the chaos.

I feel kind of bad that I sat in the back of the place most of today...but I really can't deal with more people's false sympathy for our loss. I can understand how some people would actually be sorry, but not everybody. Gabe, for example, I don't think is very sorry, however he's said he is to me twice now. Amber, on the other hand, would have come to the funeral home, but her brother had a T-ball game and couldn't. She said she wished she could have come, but I told her it was no big deal. Her brother's game is more important than a death in my family.

Speaking of Amber...she still has my cookie dough...sorry. I just remembered that.

Which also reminds me that Amber wants me to spend the night at her house this weekend to study for exams like we have in the past. We didn't first semester and a few of our grades suffered a little bit. Granted, we don't study the entire time, but we do enough for it to be somewhat beneficial for us both.

Actually, I could use the escape to her house. I don't think I can take much more of my sister right now...she's turning more and more into my mom by the minute and yet she used to yell at me because I was supposedly turning into mom! Talk about hypocritical! Oh wait. I forgot. She's not turning into mom. She's just acting more "responsible" than I am. HAHAHAHA! Yeah right! She doesn't think she's turning into mom! I think mom was even getting mad at me because I was yelling at Em for that...but I guess she wouldn't really understand much about being the oldest child, considering she's a youngest and all she knows is what "Emily is going through" because supposedly I'm turning into a "second mother" that Emily doesn't need, even though I'm going through more than she'll ever know because she wouldn't understand even if I did tell her. So screw this. I'm done trying to keep up with Emily. If she wants to end up killing herself because she's too stubborn to take my help, then so be it.

I really think I'm ready to go to college. I'm getting sick of being here...

Oh yeah...I'm kind of mad at Tasha for telling him to go away. She didn't have that right. If I hadn't wanted him there, I would have told him to go away. But then again, she doesn't really get the fact that I almost needed him there...okay, scratch that. I did need him there. I almost completely lost it after he left, and then I really never would have know...

I guess my plan of wearing a skirt tomorrow is out of the question now...I really doubt walking a dead body to the front of a church will be any easier in one. And I guess everyone else is wearing slacks anyway...plus it's supposed to be windy. I wouldn't want to end up looking like "Betsy Ross." Sorry...Amanda Fegan had a blonde moment last year and I can't help but remember and laugh at it still...

But yeah...twenty after ten and my mom is yelling at me to go to bed because I still have to get up in the morning...I hate having to get up early...stupid sun...

Please Don't Stop The Music...

2009-05-20T16:24:00.000-07:00

...because I want to drown in it. I want the music to make everything else go away. I feel like it's my only escape right now, because it seems like anymore I'm to paraniod to believe that he didn't lie to my face, and I know that my other two escapes care, but I'm not sure how much anymore. I know it's a lot, but...

It's official. My dad has no idea how to use a cell phone whatsoever. He couldn't figure out that the default password to his voicemail was his entire phone number, unlike the last 4 digits like he thought. And gee. I wonder who suggested that it was the whole number? Oh right. That would be me. But did he listen? Well of course not! He has to go through the whole instruction manual before he figured it out! And then when I told him that I had suggested that, he just looked at me and said "if you did, I didn't hear you." But whatever anymore I guess. I'm used to being ignored.

Gabe isn't mad at me, so that's good. In fact, he and I had a strange, yet weirdly...refreashing isn't the right word, but I don't know what else to describe it as, conversation. He had sent me one of those forward texts that said something about "if you could have a threesome with anyone in the world who would it be?" I told him David Cook, and Matt Dallas, because honestly? That would seriously be the best sex on the planet...well...I think it would be anyway. So then we were joking with each other because he said something about having sex with his choices in a minute, and then he said "well not in ONE minute, in A minute. I'm longer than that." IDK. It was just funny. I actually don't think I've ever really joked that much with Gabe when it comes to sex...sorry. I just realized that.

Sam today said that Gabe was confronting me about him bitting me because he's protective of me. I think her view on that is that he wants to date me, because she asked me what I'd say if he did end up asking me out...Felisha, on the other hand, says that she thinks he is because I'm like a sister to him. Honestly, Felisha's theory is much more plausable. In fact, he told me once that I was like a sister to him. Plus, I already know that Gabe and I would be done before anything even started.

Holl(e)y thinks that I need to apologize to Shelby and Brandon even though I didn't do anything to have to say sorry for. Still...the more I think about it, the guiltier I feel, the more I feel like I do need to say sorry to them...I just wish that they would see my point of view for once and not think that they're the only ones that are right about anything.

Stasi, I think understands maybe a little bit better. She isn't really all that thrilled that he did bite me, but she was the one that pointed out that Brandon might have been mad at me for telling Shelby something that concerned the past, and that no one should care anymore about it. So then I pointed out to her that I was in the same situation because him bitting me was over and done with, and no one should care anymore. As soon as I pointed that out, she seemed to understand why I was mad that they were making a big deal out of it all. She texted me after school and when I said that it wasn't any of their business she said "yes but they're worried. So am I. It's not their business, you're right, but it's getting dangerous what he does to you...just see it from their point of view." Which honestly, I can see where they're coming from. I might not agree with it, but I can understand it. But they can't honestly care what happens to me, or what I choose to do with my body and life.

I've decided that if Gabe doesn't think that I'm telling the truth about being bitten, then I'm just going to tell him that if he bit me, I'd probably like it too...hopefully that'll work...except then the only problem is that he's been acting extra horny lately and I don't really want him coming after me next...I mean, yeah, Gabe's my friend, but I wouldn't have sex with him.

Oh right. I just remembered. R.G. asked me if he could bite me today...not exactly a direct question, but it was still a question nonetheless. He said something about liking to leave bite marks, but I told him that Allen was the only one allowed to bite me, figuring that that would shut him up long enough for him to know that I wasn't interested.

I feel kind of bad for talking to him, too, because I told him that I'd stay as far from R.G. as I could...than again, it's kind of hard to ignore someone when they practically corner you and there's no one around to rescue you from him...

I also kind of feel bad because I'm not going to report him, whether other people think that I should or not. I guess that's why Tasha and Sam are going to now. I just kind of fear for it, because if they're going to during lunch, then there's still 5th and 6th hour for them to call me down to the office to ask me about that...guess who's in both those classes? Oh, right. R.G.

At least I won't be there Friday, in case they don't call me down tomorrow. I just have to fear for next week now...but if they listen to Tasha, then I know they won't call me down during 4th hour...maybe...I don't know if she's going to tell them that now or not...

Holl(e)y read the note I gave to Shelby the other day. I'm not really sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. I mean, I guess there wasn't much in there that she didn't already know. I think most of it was just a confirmation of her suspicions. Granted, she didn't know the reason behind things, but I guess she does now.

And now I'm really really excited, because I got to see David Cook sing one of his songs that also happnes to be one of my all-time favorites of his (Permanent for those of you that don't know which one I'm talking about) and...well, I kind of hate admitting it, but I now have pictures of David on my phone!!!..........

Okay...I think I'm going to stop now before either I break something, or hurt someone...

You Wanted A Blog Entry, Right? Well You're Going To Get 1 Fucking Hell Of A Blog Entry

2009-05-19T12:19:00.000-07:00

I'm so pissed off right now that I can't stop shaking.

Today started off completely fine. I was happy, I was in a good mood. Well along comes Government class.
Brandon's still pissed at me, which doesn't help matters really. But after we took notes, Pinter set us loose to do as we pleased. So Gabe came over by Brandon and me. He was texting Stasi, and maybe Shelby (I don't really remember right now) so I started to text Shelby because I was bored and I figured that I'd see if what I heard about Brandon calling me a bitch was really true.

So I was texting her, right? Well she asks me what was wrong because she could tell something was...but along with that question, she asked me what was up with the whole biting thing. So I told her. Well she went completely off the wall and told me that it was creepy and weird and then she asked me why I let you.

So then Gabe asked me what Shelby and I were talking about, even though he wouldn't tell me what he and Stasi were, so I showed him the one where she asked me initially.

That's when he got curious.

He asked me why I did let you, so I told him that someone biting you feels better than he would think. After I told him that, he got really quiet and he seemed really pissed off.

So I continued to text Shelby at the beginning of 3rd hour even though she still seemed less than happy about the whole ordeal. She said something about being creeped out, and I told her that I thought Gabe was too, and she said that yeah he was because she was talking to him while she was talking to me.

That was when my phone died.

Gabe still seemed mad at me during 6th and I took it just to mean that he was still creeped out. WRONG! Apparently he sent me a text just after my phone died saying that I either need to date you, or "fuck the shit out of" you (his words, not mine!). So I told him that that wasn't going to happen and then he got all mad and started telling me that of course it was, and then I told him you have Mesa, and then he got even more mad and then I asked him if he wanted me to go live under a rock and never look at or talk to another guy again, and he said no, and that that wasn't what he meant, and that's pretty much where he ended the argument, after saying that I shoudn't have let you...

So now he's mad, I'm mad, and I think Shelby is too because I yelled at her back.........

Great...now the only person I really have to talk to in 1st hour is David, but he's heartbroken at the moment so he's of no use whatsoever...

Lessons Learned

2009-05-16T07:03:00.000-07:00

Shelby says that if I hadn't cried when I found out that my Grandpa died, I would have been nothing but a cold heartless bitch.

Tasha and Sam say that I can't make other people happy unless I'm happy first. But I can't be happy unless everyone else is happy.

Felisha says that I should just do what I want to and that that should be enough for everyone else. But it never is. There's always someone out there that expects, no, demands more from me.

God. And now I'm coming undone again. "Because she doesn't understand." My butt! She doesn't know what she's doing to me. She doesn't know what Nathan's doing to me.

She doesn't even know what I'm doing to myself.

So how can she understand? I don't even know if anyone can understand.

I guess if someone figures that out, they can let me know. It'd be nice to have an answer.

This Is The Story Of A Girl Who Cried A River And Drowned The Whole World

2009-05-15T13:23:00.000-07:00

She knew something bad was going to happen soon. She'd known for a few days. She just knew. She didn't know how she knew, but she did.

She woke up that morning feeling slightly pissed still and rather numb. She really didn't know what to make of the night before, let alone what to do about it. She didn't want him going around thinking those kinds of things about her. In fact, if she had it her way he wouldn't think about her at all.

But so many of her friends wanted her to report him for sexual harassment, but no matter what they said her doubt in herself kept her from believing she could do it and that an adult would believe her.

It came as a slight surprise when her mother sent her a text saying that her parents were on their way home. From where she didn't know. All she knew was that they were getting her father's car from the repair shop on the way back.

She got off the bus to find that her father was driving down the street, about to come home. Her mother, having about as much luck as herself, had gotten stuck on the bridge because a boat was going through.

As she walked in the house with her father, she could tell something was different. But what? What was so different that she would be able to pick up on it from the other room?

Her father came back into the kitchen where she stood and sat at his place at the table. "You're probably going to want to sit down." was all he said to her as he pushed her mother's chair out with his foot.

That was when the thought occured to her. That was when the truth popped in her head. That was when she knew that the bad thing that was going to happen, had.

"Your Uncle Leonard called earlier...he found Grandpa this morning. He passed away last night in his sleep."

She put her elbows on the table and placed her head in her hands. "No. This can't be happening. Not now. Not with everything else." She could feel her father's eyes on her as he saw her start to fall apart. She knew that he suspected that something else was wrong...she didn't want to break down in front of him. Where was her mother already?

She heard the car door slam shut. Her mother and sister walked through the door and her mother headed straight for the chair her daughter sat. "Come here." was all she said. Her daughter stood up and accepted the embrace her mother was offering, even if it didn't seem sincere like the hugs that one of her best friends gave...

That was it. That was when she completely lost it. That was the moment she broke down. She couldn't take anymore bad news.

Less than a minute after she broke down she realized what she was doing. She had to stop. She had to get herself back together.

That was her only focus. Stopping. That was all she could say. "I have to stop. I can't be crying."

Her mother told her that it was to be expected when a family member dies. Her daughter had different views on things however. As she continued with her break down session she told her mother that she couldn't be crying. That she couldn't be because to cry is to be weak and to be weak means that you'll never survive.

Her sister made a comeback about how she "bawled her eyes out" when she found out. But that was no condolence.

Things only got worse as she realized that she had to perform that night, and when she found out that her sister had gotten to skip half of school that day.

Her mother became suspicious when she said that she couldn't take anymore on top of what else was going on. "Did something else happen at school that I need to know about?"

"Nothing happened." was all her daughter could manage. She hated lying to her mother like that, but if she found out any of what had happened over the course of the year she was as good as dead. "Would it be bad if I asked if I could talk to Pastor Grunklee?" she finally asked.

"No." was the response.

'Good.' was all she could think. Then she could finally tell an adult about everything that was happening without worrying about her parents finding out...

There Are No Words

2009-05-14T18:26:00.000-07:00

There are no words to describe how pissed I am at the moment.

There are no words to describe all the bad things going through my head right now.

There are no words to describe the trouble that I will be in if my mom finds out any of what is going on.

There are no words to describe the unbelief of the people that I could go to with this.

There are no words to describe how much I hate being talked about behind my back.

There are no words to descrbe how badly I want to shoot him right now. For how bad I want to take him and tell him to back the fuck off because I never will belong to him. He's got a girlfriend. He believes I have a boyfriend. So why on Earth would he say that or go around telling other people what he did?

There are no words to describe how much I hate it when people throw away what they have because they think that there's someone better right next to them, or because of whatever other reason. Especially when what they have is what I so desperately need.

There are no words to describe how much I want to just end my life and make sure that I don't bother anyone ever again.

There are no words to describe how much I don't want to end my life because that would only hurt some of the people that I'm close to. And I don't want to hurt them.

There are no words to describe anything anymore.

Un-Make-It-Bigafied

2009-05-13T19:12:00.000-07:00

Yeah, so that was my sister's description for making a lowercase letter on her phone. Sometimes I think she's stranger than I am, and then I remember who I am...

But anyway.

Most of me believes him when he says that things are going to get better...most of me. But there is always that little part of me that questions everything that I'm almost sure on. I'd love to believe he's right. Hell, I really truly and honestly wish that he is.

I don't think I can handle any more strange medical things. Especially if I really did have a panic attack. But if it wasn't a panic attack...then what was it? And if it was, then is worrying about it only going to bring another one on that much sooner? But I can't not worry about it. But if I do then I make things worse. But if I don't, then I feel like I'm just being stupid and that I'm going to die because I didn't care enough to worry about something that could have been prevented...

Eh...whatever anymore I guess. I'm going to do some chem homework for tomorrow and hopefully get enough sleep to ensure that I don't damage my physical well-being any further than what might already be there.

And With This, I Thank You For Never Caring Once About Me

2009-05-12T18:35:00.000-07:00

Perpetually pissed off. That's all I am anymore.

Anymore things are very strange and mixed up. I REALLY don't like it. But as stated previously, I'm used to losing by now.

Taylor thinks that he has more power than he actually does. R.G. believed me when I said that I didn't love him. I don't think he believed the part about Taylor stealing my phone and sending that message to him, but he says that he knows that I don't love him. So it's all good...to an extent...

I'm trying to decide if I should talk to someone about R.G. and all the crap that's been going on...Tasha thinks that I should talk to Mr. Syring or Mrs. Sullivan. She claims that I can "get him for sexual harassment" but I really don't think that if I told anyone else about it that they would believe me. I told her that theory, and she says that I have witnesses to how creepy he's been because her, Sam, Emily, and possibly Amber have all seen the really creepy and gross texts that he sent me.

But see, that's another thing. No one seems to truly believe me on anything. My mom doesn't believe that I've been on the verge of suicide. My sister doesn't believe that that thing I wrote was serious. I'm pretty sure Shelby doesn't believe half of what I tell her, even though she still gives me advice for what I ask about...Tasha, Sam, Stasi, and Steph I don't think believe most of what I tell them, either.

The only one I can think of that really believes me 99.9% of the time, is Amber. The only things she doesn't believe are the things that she knows that I wouldn't tell her the truth on. And the only reason she knows what I wouldn't tell the truth on is because she knows me too well. I'm not saying this is a bad thing by any means. It's kind of nice to have someone that understands completely and knows what you're going to do or say before you do, and to have someone to call you out on the things that you would generally get away with. Holl(e)y might have been the only other one that would have called me out before, but even she wouldn't do that very often. Amber doesn't take any bullshit. EVER.

All this talk about Amber makes me wonder if she's in bed yet. She's been exhausted, mostly due to prom. But hey. If she had fun, then why not?

I'm going to go next year, whether I want to or not. I'm not going to disappoint her again.

AND I'M NOT WEARING MIKE'S JEARSY DURING FOOTBALL SEASON NEXT YEAR!!!! I don't care if she thinks that I can or not. I REALLY don't like him. Not after everything that he's done to her, and everything he's said to me, whether he knows I hate him or not, whether he doesn't hate me or not.

I'm going to miss not having someone like Amber there at all times...I'm going to miss having someone to call me out on my lies...I'm going to miss having someone that literally is the other half of me...I'm going to miss her more than anyone will ever know, myself included. Perhaps some visits are going to have to be in order. Or........well...nevermind. That's not possible.

I don't think I'm going to talk to anyone about R.G. As that bumperstick says, "if shit happens, I deserve it." It's as simple as that.

This all is payment. I just hope they're appeased.

*A quick note to whoever: Me + a 40 ounce Slurpee = bad news for everyone*

"Hey Laura Don't Freak Out Plz?"

2009-05-11T17:51:00.000-07:00

I swear to God that these and the words in the text following it were probably the nicest words that actually felt genuine that were said to me in the last few weeks...possibly even months. I don't know why looking at them makes me feel like I matter...like I'm worth anything. Maybe it's because I'm more optimistic than I let anyone believe and I really do hope that these few words mean that a select few people in this world really do care about me as a person and that they don't all look at me like I'm just an object.

My mind still cannot fully comprehend anyone caring about me, though, and it still bothers me far more than it should. I've just been used so much that I don't know anything different, I guess.

I got off the bus today and came in the house and went to get a drink out of the fridge...my mom stopped me on my way to the kitchen and practically forced me to give her a hug. Her excuse was that she needed a "Laura hug" as she calls them. HA! As if Emily's or someone elses aren't better! I personally think that she just wanted to lean and I'm the only one at about the right height for her to lean on (besides my father, but considering my mom hates him...) and the only one that can support her enough for her liking and without complaining.

That really pissed me off. That and the fact that Taylor took my brand new phone today in 4th hour. Granted, he did give it back...but he technically had no right to do so.

I'm listening to the concert podcast again...I don't know why I do when all I seem to be able to hear are my mistakes...and believe you me. There are plenty of them to hear.

I've found another reason to hate my father...I'll let your imagination come up with something that it might be, considering the reason is too small for any of you to care.

I've been thinking about all of the things that weren't passed on from my parents to me...like both my parents music talent...my mom can actually play flute pretty well and she's not that bad at picc...and my father can sight read and read bass cleff really well (granted he's a brass player, but...). And what did I get? The crappy stuff that no one else wanted and that no one else would take.

But I guess by now I'm used to losing...

So now I wonder why I even bring up the fact that I hate my father even more. Maybe it's because all these little things really are "my diary screaming out loud." Hm...something else to ponder I guess.

Tomorrow is Tuesday...yuck. And to think...Tuesday's are my favorite day of the school week! Which also reminds me. Tomorrow is Emily's band concert. And then Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday are all Celebration..........goody!

Which also reminds me. Wednesday my father is going to be a hall moniter for Celebration...which means a 15-20 minute car ride with him...and that's only one way, too! Maybe I can get away with listening to my iPod the whole time and I won't have to have any sort of contact with him whatsoever.

I've decided that they're intent on killing me before the school year is over. I got a test back in math today.............let's just say that I failed that with flying colors...so I'm as good as dead on that front. And now I've got my extreme rage that I have almost no idea of where it's coming from.

One quick note in here...I will admit that the E natural to F grace note thing in "Folk Dances" sounded cool. And I can say that because picc is pretty much the only thing that you can hear at that spot...except then I screwed up the weird 8th note skip around thing after that...

I just realized that I come up with some of the strangest names and descriptions for things. I guess it's a miralce that people even know what I'm talking about half the time...hey! I did get something from my parents! Well....my mom anyway. She comes up with all sorts of strange name things for stuff, too.

I swear to God that if he DARES to "make my life a living hell" as he called it, I will make sure that I make his life just as big of one. And believe me. I can. *insert evil grin and evil laugh here*

I'm seriously considering shooting myself in the foot right now...I'm not really entirely sure as to why, but I am.

HA! Watch. In, like, 20 minutes I'll be laying in bed and I'll suddenly want to bawl my eyes out.

AND I'M NOT PREGNANT!

Maybe this is part of their plan...maybe they're tearing my emotional system down and this is the result. Maybe this is just how I am...maybe I'm just to the point now where nothing really matters anymore and I don't care what other people see anymore and I don't care if people see me break down, and I don't care if I never wake up to see the light of day again...Maybe I don't care if I end up like my father anymore. Maybe I don't care if I never find anyone to spend the rest of my life with. Maybe I don't care if no one else cares about me. Maybe...

Fuck it! Who am I kidding? Eveyone knows that none of that is true. Every "maybe" I can come up with can be automatically shot back down.

OK...so there have been a total of 2 strange numbers texting my phone and talking about "the call" and crap. It's starting to freak me out...OK...so I was REALLY freaked out at first...actually that was what the whole "hey Laura don't freak out plz?" thing was all about...except it wasn't said by who most people would think. It actually kind of shocked me that this person said this, to be honest. But hey. Who am I to complain about where I find people that might actually care about me? Or at least where I find people that appear to actually care about me...

I guess I'm going to go and enjoy my few hours that I actually get to spend at home this week, even if all I'm doing is sleeping...

I've Seen Love Die Way Too Many Times When It Deserved To Be Alive

2009-05-10T10:41:00.001-07:00

I'm so pissed off right now it's not even funny.

On the bright side, we got Verizon today! I got the sweet En-V2!...

But that still doesn't fix the fact that I'M PISSED BEYOND BELIEF!

Seriously! I hate that so many people that have what I want and what I need more than anything else in this world, are taking it all for granted. It's sickening! And then they complain when they can't have it for a little while, not realizing that some people don't get to have any of it at all!!!!!!!

So then I wonder, why can't I have what I need? And then I remember...

My mom thinks that it's because most of the guys at school are "intimadated" because I'm "so much smarter" than most of them.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If she only would figure out that I'm not that smart!!!!!! Why doesn't she understand that?! Why doesn't any one seem to understand that, along with everything else I've been trying to tell them?!

So to solve part of my problem, I've formulated a plan for this summer...of course, I'm not going to tell anyone what this plan involves, but...still.

I'm trying to decide on an ending for my book. I don't know if I should go for the predictable ending, or the "holy-crap-who-would-end-a-book-like-that?" ending.

So yeah. That's my life (right now) in a nutshell...

...And Never Will I Have To Answer Again To Anyone...

2009-05-09T17:19:00.000-07:00

We went to Aunt Di's today. And the really sad part was that my uncle (who honestly isn't much different from my father sometimes) was extremely happy that dad wasn't coming with us.

Then again...I probably would have ended up shooting myself before we even got out of the driveway...

Lucky for all of us, though, my dad decided to go out to the 3-1 sight with Paul instead. And he's still not home. =D!!! Yeah...you have NO IDEA how happy I am that I've only had to see him once today.

So tomorrow is Mother's Day, and Emily and I didn't end up getting my mom anything. So now my neighbor, Mark, (as in the creepy one that says that he wants to go on a "date" with me when I turn 18) was bitching to my mom about how we "never do anything for her." Little does he know that we do more than anyone thinks we do.

Both of us end up being the people she dumps her problems on, even though I'm pretty sure she uses me more than Em. We both do a ton of stuff for her when her knee and/or heel are bothering her. We (well, mostly me) do everything around the house when she decides to run off to Mark's, or when she's gone doing whatever it is. Heck! We (also mostly me) go to Meijer with her every time she goes when Em and/or I aren't at school or doing something else because she doesn't like to go by herself...

I've come to the conclusion that Em and my main way of comunication when I leave for college is probably going to be AIM or Yahoo! Messenger...mostly because she and I wouldn't be able to talk on the phone because mom and/or dad would be able to hear her side of the convo, and we probably wouldn't be able to text each other because we probably won't have Verizon, which means that we'd be wasting more money then what we are already.

Yeah...so it's after 10...and I need to be up early tomorrow...yuck...

I guess I'll finish ranting tomorrow...

Maybe If My Heart Stops Beating It Won't Hurt This Much...

2009-05-08T16:27:00.000-07:00

So shopping today was a bust. I found a shirt that I thought would work, but TA-DA! it didn't.

I'm getting a little tired of this whole 'tired to the point of falling over before it even hits 8 o'clock' thing.

Honestly, today was very very strange. In some ways, it was the best day I've had in a while...in others, well, let's just say that I knew he'd be mad if he remembered...

But then again, I'm not really sure if I care if I die or not. Other's might (or at least I now know that...) but I'm just not really sure what that's going to do to solve many things currently.

I'm really trying to concentrate on writing my book, but honestly it's hard to take everything that seems to make sense in your head and put it down on paper and still have it make sense...

So I've come up with a plan for this summer. Well...I guess I'm going to start now, but it's going to take the rest of the summer, as well...

Tomorrow I get to go to my Aunt Di's house...should be interesting considering I have no idea what my sister and I are supposed to do.

Which reminds me. My dad got laid off. He's got 3 weeks no work, so he goes back the first I think my mom said...which means 80% of the already half-of-what-he-used-to-make paycheck...which means that Em, mom and I will have to make even more cuts in our lifestyles so that he doesn't have to sacrifice anything. Which is just the way he likes things.

I'm really kind of hoping that Em agrees to buy the song "Love, Save The Empty" by Erin McCarley. She just gave it an "eh, it's ok" but that might mean that she'll let me buy it in exchange for me letting her buy a song that she wants...or maybe a few songs she wants...

I guess we get to buy them...yay?

Eh...whatever I guess.

Remembering Isn't Always Pleasant

2009-05-07T18:06:00.000-07:00

I finally started my book that I've been saying that I was going to write for about 4 years or so now. Granted, it's absolutely horrible and no one would ever read it if I somehow managed to get it published...but I guess that's besides the point.

Today was the 3rd or 4th day in a row that I've felt dizzy and like I was going to fall over. It's really starting to worry me, because nothing like that has ever happened to me before. I'm not one to get dizzy...

I'm going shopping with Tasha and Sami tomorrow. That should be fun and interesting...

I've had a wicked headache for most of the day today...I know I shoudn't complain, but I am anyway.

I've noticed that I've been complaining a lot anymore. I'm not really sure why that is...it kind of bothers me though...

I guess I'll just continue on with my life like nothing is different...

What Lining And How Can It Possibly Be Silver?

2009-05-06T14:35:00.000-07:00

I've discovered the exact reason behind why I shouldn't talk about how my audition went...because when I do, I feel bad for "degrading myself" (as most people would say that I'm doing...), and I also get really depressed thinking about it because I feel like I'm not and never will be good enough...

Then again, I also think I've discovered the problem behind my thinking that I'm not good enough.

I listen to too much Tchaikovsky. I compare myself to the musicians in the recordings and wish that I could be like that. But I know for a fact I never will be...

Which reminds me. Supposedly Tchaikovsky was GAY! Yeah! I know! I'm heartbroken, too...

Oh well. His music is still amazing, no matter what.

R.G. today asked me what was wrong...mostly I think because he could tell that I was a little miffed and depressed after that conversation at lunch...

So of course, just like any other time when he wants to talk to me during class, a note was formed. I told him I couldn't tell him what was wrong (mostly because I didn't want to) but that he was free to guess.

He thought I was pregnant!...yeah. Not funny.

His next option, though, was about the audition. So of course, he tried to get me to spill about what happened...

Well, it's too hard to sum up...so...the conversation went like this-

Me: Sam thinks I'm her biggest threat, Tasha says I'm H's favorite, so I'll probably get first chair...(there was more at this part, but I'm omiting it, not only for my safety, but others as well...) and I feel like I did absolutely horrible...
R.G.: Well you are an AMAZING flutist. If you made first chair it is because you earned it. I bombed my tryout...
Me: HA! I'm NO WHERE CLOSE to amazing...and I haven't done anything to even deserve to be in symphonic band...what did you do/H say to make you think you bombed it?
R.G.: Bombed scales! YES YOU ARE! You don't give youself enough credit. You're amazing.
Me: I can't give myself enough credit when there's nothing there to credit...
R.G.: ...it hurts me to say this, but shut up! You do things with a flute and picc I have seen no one do.
Me: Like what?
R.G.: You play hard music with ease, that take skill and determination. You don't crack under pressure. You sound amazing.
Me: HAHAHA! Do you know how long it takes me to learn to play a hard piece of music? Do you know how horrible I am under pressure? Have you ever heard a professional picc/flute player? I'm no where near where I'd like to be. And I can't sight read for crap...
R.G.: You think any of us can?!!?!? We are still in HS and you compare yourself to a pro...You are an amazing flutist for your level...you're beautiful (NOTE: I've told him repeatedly NOT to say this, yet he continues anyway...I was more than just a little pissed by this today, but I had too much on my mind to try and get him to stop (AGAIN!) when obviously anything I try to do, doesn't work)
Me: I'm still not good enough...and I highly doubt I ever will be...
R.G.: I KNOW you will be and already passed it.
Me: Now do you see why I couldn't talk about this? An angry mob is going to come after me now...
R.G.: Why? Because they're JEALOUS! You are better then them.
Me: No...they say that I'm damaging myself even more than before...
R.G.: Don't listen to the jackass then.
Me: You don't even know who it is...and I can't no listen to them...

He stopped the conversation and told me that to be able to understand what I meant, he'd have to know the whole story. Well, needless to say, I can't tell him the whole story. And I'm not creative enough to come up with a lie for this one...so I guess I'll just hope that he forgets anything was ever said.

The conversation at lunch mostly consisted of Sam telling me that she's worried that I'm getting first chair, and Tasha asking me several times if I thought H was going to kick her out of symphonic band. That and Sam saying that if Megan makes it, she's going to be competing with her and I for picc parts. Which apparently, even if I get first chair, she claims ALL the marches, because those are the only pieces she feels confident enough to play picc on. Well fuck that! I'm sorry, but if I do somehow magically make first chair (which I know isn't going to happen) I'm keeping all the picc parts for myself.

I know that's greedy and not very nice, but I've never had a year of just picc parts for me. She's already had a few years of that.

Oh yeah. She also said that she wishes I was a year younger than her because I had told her that I wished I could be first my senior year, and she wants to be able to be first chair, but she doesn't want to give her spot up.

So that doesn't help my mood any.

And then there's my mom that keeps telling me that she thinks that I'm better than I think I am, and my father who thinks that I need to be challenging every chance I get...

I'm trying to decide why he thinks that I don't owe him. If he hadn't been there, I probably wouldn't be writing this right now...I probably would have collapsed when I got home, too, had I made it at all.

Apparently Felisha finished reading my notebook...it kind of scares me because I asked her what she thought, and she hasn't writen me back yet...so either I freaked her out, she hasn't been on the computer in a while, or my email stopped working...

Hm...I also hate thinking about auditions, because I tend to get my hopes up, only to have them crushed in the long run...

Like right now. I'm finding myself hoping that maybe by chance, H will factor in the part about how he *appears to* enjoy my picc playing, and make me first chair...but honestly, in the back of my mind, I know that it's illogical to think that I'll get anything further up than 3rd or 4th...which means even less picc parts for me...which means I'll be more depressed than normal.

I guess whoever ends up reading this is sick of me going on and on about this crap...so I guess I'll go on about something else.

Sam and Tasha seem to think that he likes me, and that's why he bit me. I honestly don't think I've heard very many things as absurd as that.

Why does Paramore make so much sense anymore? "I've seen love die way too many times when it deserves to be alive. I've seen you cry way too many times when you deserve to be alive..." "Now I think we're taking this too far. Don't you know that it's not this hard. But if you take what's yours and I take mine...must we go there? Please not this time. Well this is not your fault. But if I'm without you then I will feel so small. And if you have to go, always know that you shine brighter than anyone does." "I can feel the pressure. It's getting closer now. We're better off without you. I can feel the pressure. It's getting closer now. You're better off without me."

There's more, but I guess I won't put any more for now...

Felisha finally emailed me back...apparently she wrote me a note in my notebook...that REALLY scares me...

I guess I'll just have to wait until tomorrow to find out what it says...which reminds me. Sam was supposed to write me a note, too...that should be interesting...

The Last, The Lost, The Least

2009-05-04T17:08:00.001-07:00

I should be practicing right now...but instead I'm sitting here blogging about how today was interesting...

Yeah...well. In fourth hour, my brain decided to go into hyperdrive for no apparent reason. Not fun. Mostly because I have no control over what I think, or what I say...and for those of you that don't know already, I hate not being in control of myself.

Math was interesting...my brain completely shut off and I forgot how to do the simple stuff that we're doing at the moment...to give you and example of how out of it I was, R.G. had to help me on a problem because my math was wrong...I know. It was that bad...

But he was all happy because of whatever happened with Jamie (I think that's her name...IDK. I don't pay attention). So then we started talking about stuff...like apparently she bit him. I think he might have asked her too because I had told him that it actually feels better than one would think...but anyway!

I'm kind of tangled in a huge web of lies at the moment...most of this web revolves around tomorrow after school. I told R.G. that "a friend" wanted me to stay until after their audition...guess what he wanted to know. Yep! "Which friend?" So I had to come up with something fast...and I hate bringing people into things when I don't have to, but I lied and told him the first person I thought would be plausible...I guess he bought into that lie because he didn't question any further on it...

That's not where the web stops, though. He also thinks that I'm going to see Allen tomorrow...also, Tasha, Shelby, and, I think possibly Sam and Sarah all think that I'm staying for not the person I really am...

But wait! There's more! I had to lie to my mom about staying after because if she knew the real purpose, I'd probably be dead and I wouldn't be allowed to drive tomorrow and the world would shatter into pieces.

I guess that's a big exageration, but it gets the point across.

So I told her that I was staying after to help R.G. with the math homework, because she knows that he's been asking me for help and such, and that the flute section was going to try to figure something out to do in the 70's piece that we're doing for Celebration like H asked us to. Luckily she believed me...

I'm still not entirely sure why he asked me to stay. I guess it's just another question to ponder...

When I got home today (which for some strange reason, my bus was really early today) I had to wait for mom so that we could go and take the library books back. So we went to do that. Yeah, I know. Nothing overly interesting there...

Well then I came home and mowed my neighbor's lawn.

Here comes the strange part...

I came in the house after I put the mower away, and I sat down on the couch. Well a few minutes later I felt extremely dizzy and like I was going to pass out. That's honestly not a very fun feeling, especially when you've never felt like that before.

I told mom about it, and she pretty much dismissed it as allergies knocking me off my balance and making me feel dizzy. Which I suppose is plausible considering I almost fell over several times in the last hour...

But I still don't think that's a good thing, or that that was supposed to happen. I guess just one more weird thing to add to the list of things that might turn potentionally problematic later on, but my mother isn't concerned about yet.

I'm going to my room to practice before my dad comes home and starts telling me everything that I'm doing wrong...I don't need anyone else doing that...

And Life Is Not Worth Living If Only Because Of You

2009-05-02T16:12:00.001-07:00

So, once again Relient K has lyrics that seem true enough to make me want to scream...

Today's been kind of depressing...mostly because I've realized that all I am to most people is an object to be used and that the people that use me don't care about me even though I care about them...

"Just talk yourself up, and tear yourself down...I put my faith in you...and you just threw it away"...yeah, I know this isn't Relient K, but Paramore has some pretty good lyrics, too.

So, I think my mom is mad at me for telling Tasha that she wasn't playing a few accedental in the audition music. She asked me why I feel the need to help her especially after the whole challenge thing...

I don't think she understands that that's just how I am. I help people whether I want to or not.

I've decided to give in. If I don't, I'll probably be dead by band camp...

Stasi really is one of the most out there people that I know...she's decided that she wants my waist. Well...her and Holly(e)y both...

I'm not really sure why. But whatever I guess...

I just went on AIM for the first time in forever...there was a message from Holl(e)y from 8 days ago...apparently she somehow heard about the bite marks on my arm. Supposedly she wanted to hear the story...well considering she isn't online right now, I don't know if she still wants to know, or if Tasha or someone already told her...

I'm not really sure I want to try to explain myself to anyone else. No one seems to understand any of it, so I guess there really isn't any point in it...besides. The bruise is practically gone now anyway, so people should forget all about it soon.........at least I hope so...

I mean, yeah, I enjoyed it. I just don't know what I'm supposed to tell everyone else...

But other than that, Emily wants to go to the mall tomorrow to get mom some stuff for Mother's Day. Except anymore I'm not really sure she deserves anything. But I guess that'd be too mean and then I'd get in even more trouble. So there goes even more of my money that I'll have had for a grand total of 3 days tomorrow. Oh well...it's not like I need to buy a new picc so that she doesn't bitch about me using hers anymore, or that I would like to buy my own computer or laptop for college and so that she won't complain that I'm on this one too much, or, or, or...yeah...too much drama.

I'm still trying to understand why so many people want me to go to prom. It seems like all of my upperclassmen friends want me to go and are asking me why I'm not. So I tell them that I don't want to and that I can't afford it...so then they continue and say that I should go next year. Which I tell them I probably am...mostly because I promised Amber that I'll try to go...but then again...I guess there isn't much that I'm not willing to promise Amber anymore. That's probably a bad thing.

I guess that's enough craziness for one post...

You'll Become Their Sacrifice

2009-05-01T19:28:00.001-07:00

I've been very bipolar today...

I woke up and was kind of pissy. Mostly because my mom woke me up while she was pissy, so she was taking it out on me...then, while I was listening to music on the bus, I became very sad and depressed...that lasted through 2nd hour. Then, just before 3rd hour, I was extremely hyper! I don't know why, or how, or whatever, but I was...which slowly led to my being very tired and even more pissy than before...

After I got home I got to turn around and leave to go back to school again. Amber had a track meet and we both thought that she'd do better if I was there. Well...she didn't do that bad in disk on her first throw...until she went out of bounds...but she came back and threw her normal 86 feet or so...

Then shot came...well...let's just say that 30 feet does not a happy Amber make. But then she came back and threw a 33' and however many inches (which is her best distance this season).

When I first got there, though, I found her parents and brother. Amber's brother is about 6-ish or so, and he apparently absolutely loves me...so of course, while Amber was gone warming up, he wanted to play a game with me. Mostly it consisted of him running around me in circles...that and he wanted to play freeze tag. He kept tripping on the net by the pits...that was kind of funny. He wasn't hurt or anything...he just got really muddy, really fast.

I had picked him up to let him watch Amber throw and I just loved his comment. "I can see everything up here!" He seemed amazed that I get to see "everything" all the time. But that's Aaron for you.

HA! People think that I'm random! He switches topics every two sentences!

But I have to admit. He is one of the cutest little kids I know...and believe it or not, I'm a sucker for cute little kids...as long as they don't get snippy with me. Then I go off the handle...

So it is now 10:50 on Friday night...guess who fell asleep on the couch...AGAIN! Oh, yes. That would be Emily. At least she made it through "What Not To Wear" this time...

I can't exactly say that I blame her, though...I'm practically falling asleep as I'm writting this...and I need to be up semi-early tomorrow morning because I have the can and bottle drive at 10 for Relay, and then I'm going to Tasha's house to practice audition music with her and Felisha...should be interesting...

So I guess I'm going to go to sleep now before I fall asleep here with the TV, computer, and kitchen light still running...which, honestly, will make my mom even more of a bitch towards me. And I really don't want that...

I Can't Be Who You Are

2009-04-29T15:54:00.000-07:00

Today's been an interesting mix of emotions. During first hour I was relatively happy. Second I was pretty tired. Fourth...well...I won't say what I was feeling during fourth hour today... Lunch was a bit of a mix of emotions, too, because Sam and Tasha were there (as normal) but I was worried about whether or not they were going to say something else to judge me. Fifth hour was strange because I was so distracted from fourth hour...R.G. knew something was different about me, but I really didn't want to tell him what it was. So I didn't. It's none of his business anyway.

I think I'm mostly writting this post because I'm OCD. There are 19 posts this month, and knowing that I could have had one more will drive me insane...I don't like uneven things...

Tomorrow is the band concert. Great. People are going to get to hear how much I suck at playing. Oh well. Maybe if I'm lucky I'll be "dead on" at the concert.

I think my sister's mad that I'm emailing him still...I'm not really sure why it bothers her. I guess it just does.

God, if she found out about what happened in fourth hour...

My mom was a bitch again today. Mostly to me. I'm not really sure why she keeps yelling at me when I haven't done anything wrong.

I'm kind of mad at the SADD organization right now. They're forcing all juniors to go to this stupid assembly thing tomorrow. It's about "being safe at prom" except I don't really see the point in going to the thing if you aren't going to prom. And because I have to go to that stupid thing, I can't help Felisha with her audition music during seminar.

So now she's trying to convince her mom to let me come to their house on Saturday even though it's being torn apart. Her mom doesn't want anyone over, but honestly, my house might as well be under construction as well, for all the crap that's falling apart. And it's not like I'm going to think any less of them because of their house. It takes a lot to change my opinion of a person, and a house under construction is not part of it.

But then there's the problem of will my mom let me go over there after the can and bottle drive (since her house isn't that far from Western)? I really do want to help her, and I really do want her to make symphonic band. And mom knows that I offered to help. Yet, knowing her, she'll say "why does it always have to be you? Let someone else do it." But if I say "let someone else do it" it will probably end up being Sam, and that might get kind of tricky...plus I'm not that mean to subject her to that kind of legalized torture.

Eh...

I've noticed that I've been saying that a lot anymore...that and the word "brilliant." I'm not really all that sure why...

But yeah. That's pretty much all that's going on in my boring life...if you can call it boring anyway...

Jack's? YOUR MOTHER!!!

2009-04-28T14:09:00.000-07:00

Yeah...well today is slightly confusing...

Part of this is because H paid me a compliment today. Needless to say, I was dumbfounded, and now Sami is pissed. Basically H said that I start rehersal a little rocky, but then something clicks and I'm dead on and that I'm doing a good job...well...with picc anyway. It kind of surprises me that he would say that...

Sami's mad, mostly because he's complimenting me (last chair) and not her (first chair). I guess I can see where she would be mad, but she hasn't exactly been the most understanding or the nicest to me.

I was explaining to her that I've been playing picc "professionally" for 2 years now (and you'd think that she'd be able to figure out that I meant that I've been playing "on the record" for 2 years) but she had to say "No. You're not a professional. You're no where close to a professional." Which only made me all the more mad.

And it certainly doesn't help with the whole "you've done 4 stupid things in just as many days" thing. It shouldn't matter to them what I do, or who I do what with. And they shouldn't judge me on anything either. I don't judge them for the bizaar and crazy things they tell me they've said or they've done. So why do they judge me?

Because they're bitches. That's why.

Oh well. I'm over them. I'm over they're "concern for my decisions."

As for the title...well, I'm running out of options. And that was something that was said yesterday.

Dad was going to Jack's to get a few things and he wanted to see if Em or I wanted/needed anything. Well he decided to scream from the kitchen to the living room (which for the record, he was a total of about a 8 feet from Emily and I) "Jack's?" Well Emily's almost immidiate response was "your mother!" So, me, being hyper as I was, found this extremely funny. Mostly just because it sounded like "Jack's your mother..." Don't ask...my mom, Emily and I were all a little off yesterday...

Amber broke up with Mike today. I'm actually kind of proud of her. She realized that he wasn't what she thought he was and that "dating" him isn't worth her time. She's amazingly happy now that they're done and over with. I'm not really sure I can blame her. Then again...I've never been in her situation, so I guess it doesn't matter much, now does it?

I'm listening to today's podcast, and honestly, Sam really can't play picc...I'm not saying that I can, by any means, but I know for a fact that I can play at least a small bit better than her.

I'm wondering if maybe I'll be able to make a higher chair for my senior year, especially now that I know that H is paying attention and he's liking what he's hearing...but I can't really get all that excited and I can't let myself think that I'm better than I really am just because H thought I was "doing a good job" on the few songs that we're playing, half of which I'm playing picc for...which is slightly unfortunate because I'm better at picc than flute, and the audition is on flute...so there's no point in hoping for anything above last.

It's strange to think that it's not even May yet, and already I have about 50 posts on this thing...either I have way too much that I think that I need to write about, or I really am that messed up. Maybe it's both...

Or maybe the whole world is just messed up.

I was right about Em being mad at me for not "protecting" her. I really can't win with her. One minute she's telling me that I need to back off because she's old enough and can protect herself, then next she's mad because I'm not protecting her from the unknown.

But I guess this is where she learns that I'm serious about leaving one day and I'm not going to be here to protect her then.

She'll get over it...I hope...

Five Iron Frenzy Is Either Dead Or Dying

2009-04-24T17:06:00.000-07:00

I think I'm going to enjoy my job. I mean, yeah it's a lot of lifting, but it's actually not that hard. All you do is go around with coffee, or pick up empty plates, or carry things out or from the van.

I will say one thing, though. Icy-Hot works! Seriously. My back hurt worse than normal last night, and so I used some and my back has felt more like it did before that guy decided to run into my car...

Sometimes I wonder why I even open my mouth. Sometimes I ask myself why I say some things.

I think Kyle was a little freaked out during 4th hour on Friday...and I don't blame him. If I were him (or anyone else looking at the unfolding scene) I probably would have been freaking out, too. I will say one thing, though...my skin isn't as sensative as Becky's. Her mark was much more noticable after a few days than mine was after 9 hours or so. Even now, all that's left is a green-ish bruise.

Of course, I had to get a relatively noticable mark the one day that I can't wear my sweatshirt outside...especially not to mow my neighbor's lawn...lucky for me I know how to use cover-up! -Heh heh. Emily asked me if anything interesting happened at school...I lifted up my sleeve and her eyes just about fell out of her head. "What happened?!" was pretty much all she could say...so I told her. She gave the same reaction as everyone else that found out. "You let him?! Why would you do something like that?!"

I personally find Stasi's reaction the strangest and funniest. "Unless you're having hot, kinky sex, you shouldn't let someone bite you." HA! Sorry...I just find it interesting that that was her response to it all.

But what makes me the angriest about all of this is that Sami, the one person who has said that she likes that I don't judge her, is the one that was the most critical. You'd think she's repay the favor and not judge me on this...even though her name for "this" is a hickie. It so obviously wasn't.

The only person that saw it, that didn't press for answers was Gabe. But that was during band class when I handed Brandon his book that he dropped on the floor, so I really wouldn't have been able to explain much to him then anyway. I guess if he askes in Government tomorrow, I'll just tell him the truth. There isn't much else I can tell him.

He'd probably flip if he found out that it's very likely that I'm going to prom now...my mom found out that Justin's a freashman and she just about blew a gasket...I'm still not really sure how I feel about the whole thing. But, in a way, Amber was right when she said that we have to look at it as our senior prom...

Besides. She'd probably drag me there even if my mom wouldn't let me anyway. So I guess that it's better to go of my own accord then to have her drag me there.

If I Could Escape

2009-04-23T15:20:00.000-07:00

Sam claims I can play picc. HA! I laugh at that. I'm sitting here listening to today's podcast and the first however much of the recording is Puszta, where I play picc...I CAN'T PLAY TO SAVE MY LIFE!

On a not so light note, guess what I found out today...

Oh, yes. My gay cousin Aaryn (or however the hell he spells his name) recently had his birthday. Well, my Aunt Holly sent him a message on Facebook asking how his day was. He replied with something along the lines of "it was wonderful! Dave and I spent the day talking and enjoying each other's company. We recently purchesed 'unity bands' (NOTE: his words, not mine) and are wanting to come to MI in June of 2010 to have a ceramony and a reception."

YOU HAVE TO BE FREAKING KIDDING ME!

The ONE day that I thought was actually going to be special for me, and my freaking cousin has to come in and ruin it. And I don't really feel like any of us should say anything to him because then if he finds out he's going to want to have a "double party" in celebration of my graduation and Dave and his 'commitment'.

YEAH FUCKING RIGHT!

I'm not having a party with a bunch of strange people I don't know when all it's going to be about is them.

I know I sound like a spoiled brat or something right now, but honestly, if I can't gaurentee that I'm going to get married one day then I would like to have my graduation party to myself.

And of course, I have the knowledge that my other cousin, Sarah (who literally hates me for being born), had a perfect graduation party and everything was absolutely amazing for her, and that my sister's will probably turn out the same way. And Aaryn (see previous note about his name) will be having the time of his life considering he's in love and getting "married" to the man of his dreams.

GOD! I hate my family! I told my mom that I want to change my last name today. Her first question was "to what?" I told her that I'm thinking about her maiden name, but she said that her family name isn't much better than the Bass's...but it's still better nonetheless. And I'm sick of being associated with those people.

And then there's also the delema of should we go or not. My mom talked to Pastor Theiss today because she was so angry and he said that we shouldn't because it's against our religion. But mom and I both agree that none of us have the authority to judge. So, then, why shouldn't we go? But if we do, are we going against God? But if we don't, then are we going to offend our family? (Which in all honesty, I wouldn't mind offending them...)

They're getting closer...this is only the beginning of a long and terrible battle...I can hear them plotting ways to get to me...ways to hurt Emily...and there's nothing I can do but sit here and watch as they rip her away from me. It's the only way they know how to get me to do what they want...so they'll do it...

Eh...I guess anymore nothing matters, other than that she's alive...even if she doesn't think that I care that much. I'd say 'you can be the judge of that' but you have no more right to judge than I do. So I guess I'll just let you have your own opinion on the matter.

There Is No Escape From A PMSing Woman...

2009-04-22T16:02:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wonder why any of us get up in the morning.

I mean, don't get me wrong. School today wasn't all that bad...it was what happened when I got home...

My mom got her meds in the mail today...and of course, something just had to be wrong. Medco decided to go behind my mom's back and ask her doctor if she can have the generic brand of her meds as opposed to the real thing. Doesn't sound like that big of a deal, right?

WRONG!

She's tried the generic brand before and discovered that it doesn't have the same effect. (Believe me. I know...I've heard this story about 20 today...) So now she's pissed and trying to decide who she should call after the meds don't work...and all her anger is directed towards Emily and myself, because she can't yell at my dad (who was the one that wanted to switch to mail order in the first place) when in reality it's his fault to begin with.

So as a chain reaction, my sister and I are not in the best of moods...but I guess there isn't really any way for either of us to escape any of it, because my dad's to much of an idiot to realize that he's done/doing something wrong.

I'm really trying to decide why I like all of the people that everybody else hates...Sam sent me a text telling me to tell the other symphonic band flutes to wear blue tomorrow...so I texted Shelby to tell her about it, because I don't want to just not tell them (because, once again, I'm too nice and I can't say 'no' to people...), and Shelby's all like "well I don't think we should because Sam's a bitch" which I will admit is true at times, but she can be nice, too...

So I'm torn as to what to do...if I don't do what Sam says, her and Tasha will be mad at me...but if I do, then Shelby and possibly Mallory will be...so I don't know...

I give up...

Som Ting Wong

2009-04-21T18:37:00.000-07:00

Yeah...don't ask. The title is the punchline from a joke that I remembered before the NHS induction ceramony...

So, in case no one heard, I'm either very old fashioned and/or really dumb...most of this is because I'm probably part of about 3% of the world that isn't obsessed with sex, or that has no desire for it in any way, shape, or form...and probably part of the 1% or so of the people my age that are actually still a virgin...

My dad got mad at me tonight. It was kind of funny, actually. He wanted me to take a picture with a girl that I used to go to St. Paul with, who I haven't had a conversation with since about 6th grade or so. I can understand taking a picture with Mallory, who (for the record) was my first friend EVER!, but not with a person that I don't talk to anymore.

And then of course, my mom had to go on this rampage in the car on the way home about how he's not the same as he was when she married him, and how she wishes she hadn't said anything to Dr. Kerr about his depression because he didn't care about things before he was put on that stupid medication and about how everybody else thinks that he's a "wonderful person" and that he'll do anything for anyone...it went on but I really don't think you want to hear about my stupid father that no one cares about anyway...

Eh...I get to drive to school again tomorrow...but at least I get to wear pants! In all honesty, I really do hate skirts. They just aren't...I don't know...they just aren't very comfortable.

I GOT A JOB!!! Seriously though, I start Saturday at 3 and I could not be more excited! Okay...so that was partially a lie. There are a few things that could make me more excited, but that's besides the point.

I've noticed that things are almost completely reversed with my unfortunate...situation...it's weird, and a little creepy...

I guess I should probably do my math homework now that it's almost 10:15...but I don't really feel like it...but I know that I'm going to end up doing it anyway, because I'm too much of an "angel" to not do my math...God, I hate being called that...well...that and "perfect..." Sorry to burst R.G.'s bubble but I'm far from either of those words. Oh well.

...But What Will They Say?

2009-04-19T16:27:00.000-07:00

Well...yesterday I wrote and said things weren't that bad...

Guess what happened...yep. That's right...all I know is falling...R.G. texted me today...need I say more?

Well even if you don't think I should, I am anyway. He kept asking me questions like "what would you do if I kissed you?" or "would you let me kiss you?" And not only that...but he said "I love you" at least 3 times...possibly 4...

HOLY FREAKING CRAP! He's asked me several strange and extremely personal questions...not exactly something that's very high up on my "favorite things to answer" list.

On the bright side...I might actually be able to do some good in 2 people's lives...I just have to make sure that neither of them knows it was me...unfortunatly though...that's not going to work out very well.

And now I'm extremely hyper and excited. Maybe I shouldn't have had that green tea thing...me and about 31 grams of caffeine don't really mix...heehee?

Tomorrow is going to be interesting. But I can't wait!

This is the most excited I've been...and I can't help but be like this. If you knew that you could actually help the person that you owe the most to in your life, wouldn't you be excited, too?!

Except, the only part that's really bringing me down is that fact that the only future I might have is with R.G....*shudder* Maybe I'd better just shoot myself right now...or maybe if I provoke Taylor enough, he will...

Or maybe I can just keep thinking positive and I'll actually find someone...

Okay, who am I kidding? Me? Positive? HA! The day that happens is the day that I actually find love.

Which reminds me...I'm still shocked...partially that he would "love to." Partially because I actually believe him. And the other "partially" that should be inserted here...well...let's just say that that part is slightly confused at the moment, and is mixing emotions.

And yet I can't help but be extremely happy at the thought...a wedding without my father...

Which also reminds me. R.G. thought I was engaged! HA! Sorry, but that was probably the funniest thing I heard all day today. That and him saying that he thinks that I'm perfect. *rolls eyes* Some people just don't get it...

All We Know Is Falling

2009-04-18T15:16:00.000-07:00

And yes. I mean "falling" not "failing." Except I can't really say that things are all that bad at the moment. In fact, I'm actually rather happy...for the time being anyway. But to think of what it was that made me so happy, kind of also makes me feel like I'm stabbing my parents in the back...which (as sick and twisted as it is) makes me all the more happy...I wonder if that's a bad thing...

In a way, it kind of shocks me that he actually accepted...which is weird because almost nothing shocks me...which is also weird because it used to be that everything shocked me...

James Patterson is officially one of my new favorite authors. Sorry...slightly random, but I figured I'd say it anyway.

You know...there's a reason that people need reading glasses...including me...they end up with terrible headaches when they don't use them...

And now my neighbor wants my sister or I to call him back after dinner...which means that he's looking for someone to go shopping with him...which means that I'll end up having to go because Emily won't want to and she'll come up with some sort of excuse that will make it so that I'm the only one that can go...but I really don't have the patience for that right now...

Which reminds me...I have to go back to teaching those friggin' 1st & 2nd graders tomorrow...and I thought my head hurt NOW! Eh...great.

Then again...mom just reminded me that handbells play tomorrow...so either I get to skip or I get to leave early.

But the down side to that is that I have to be up super early because stupid Mrs. Stevens insists that we all get there at 6:45-ish when church doesn't even start until 8. Which is dumb. Because if we all got there at 7:15, we'd have enough time to run through the stuff once and still be able to do whatever else before we'd have to play before the service. *sigh* Oh well. Last time for a while.

...I hope...

Secret Love And The Fastest Way To Loneliness

2009-04-14T14:55:00.001-07:00

I've discovered a band called "This Providence," thanks to Sarah. They're pretty good. Not what I expected, but good.

Relient K has done it once again. They've come up with more lyrics that make more sense than anything else in my life does. "I found a back-up plan. I'm grateful that I didn't have to use it, but it's made up of real good friends. Bon Voyage. Isn't nice to know that the lining is silver? Isn't it nice to know that we're golden?" Okay...so the golden part doesn't really fit...but the rest seems pretty applicable.

Not much happened today other than I really don't like the way that Sam is making me think and feel even worse about myself...it's not really her fault, though...

This morning I was extremely amused...Mike walked by me in the hall before school...needless to say that he didn't look to happy. But that's all fine and dandy because I don't care, and neither does Amber.

So I guess as long as neither of us cares and it's fun to annoy him, I'll keep doing it. He's a jerk anyway.

"Don't Forget What You're Leaving Me For"

2009-04-13T13:30:00.000-07:00

I wish that people would just accept my wanting to leave after college...and in a way, I wish they would tell me to leave instead of trying to keep me here...because if they told me to, I might not be as likely to come back...which is what I'm afraid is going to end up happening...

I'm afraid, not for myself...but for everyone else. Which is another problem in itself. Because the people that I'm close to don't want me to leave, but my being here is causing more harm than good. And if I leave, things will more than likely get better for them...things won't be as difficult...but if I come back...the slope will head back down...not a place I want those people to be in...

I told Amber for the first time on Saturday about my plans for after college...now she's trying to get me to move into an appartment with her near Detroit after I graduate. She says that I can move in with her and not tell anyone...that people don't have to know that I'm still in Michigan...but I don't think I could live near Detroit because I have to much family in that area, and with my luck someone will see me and all my plans will be down the drain anyway...

Emily still doesn't want me to leave, either...which means that the combined force of the 2 of them is going to make it that much harder...which means I might just have to leave and not tell anybody anything and just reappear one day...which goes back to my problem stated earlier...

Em claims that leaving Bay City isn't going to make anyone forget that I was here. And I honestly don't expect it to. I just don't want to ruin anybody else's lives. I wish she was capable of understanding that much, but obviously she's just going to cling to the fact that I'm leaving and that she doesn't want me to...

Although...I suppose that there is one condition under which I'd stay...but I doubt that will happen, so it's a rather moot point.

I wish it would rain today...I know today is almost over, but it would still be nice...maybe that would help my head, too...

I feel slightly dead today. Not dead in the physical sense of the word...just...dead. It's as if part of me no longer exists. Maybe that's a good thing...

Well...I guess we'll find out soon enough.

These Wounds Are Self Inflicted

2009-04-12T17:39:00.000-07:00

Easter...not exactly my favorite holiday of the year...I don't really know why I don't like it...there's just something about it that I don't like...

Anyway. Today started out slow, partially because I slept worth crap...and it doesn't help when you wake up to your sister's booklight at 4:30 in the morning...

Well...on the way to my Aunt Di's house, my sister and I wanted to listen to our new CD's that we got as gifts, and, being the good big sister that I am, I told Emily that we could listen to whatever one she wanted to listen to first...so of course...we listened to the Lady GaGa CD I got her...then on the way home we listened to Katy Perry...also her's...

I will say one thing though...I did get to listen to about half of the "the bird and the bee sides" portion of my Relient K CD...even if Emily did zonk out after the 2nd song...(and yes. I did just say "zonk". GET OVER IT!)

Dinner was quiet...more so then usual anyway...so to fill the silence my aunt decides to ask me about NHS and what all is going on with that...which makes me feel like I'm making Emily feel out of the loop or whatever and then I feel even more guilty...

I went shopping with Amber yesterday...and also made Mike mad at me...but I honestly couldn't care less about what that stupid son of a bitch thinks about me...

Basically he texted her while we were together and I told him that I had kidnapped her for the afternoon...well...he didn't really like that...and then he told me to tell her that he loves her...well that didn't make me too happy...and then we got into an argument over who would win if we got in a fight over her...

But see...the funny thing is that he only thinks that I was kidding when I told him that everyone else that has challenged me on the people that are important to me has lost. Well...I guess he has another thing coming for him...

Oh right...I found a loop hole...not only will my sister live, but I get to keep my virginity. It's a win-win situation for me! =D

Well...I guess that's enough fun for one post...

Sinnlos

2009-04-11T07:20:00.000-07:00

Or at least that's what everything seems like anymore...

The hole has opened back up...and this time I don't think there is a way to close it...

But I guess I just have to get over it...I have to keep pretending that everything is fine and that my life is perfect and that nothing could ever go wrong...

Tomorrow might be interesting...we're going to my aunt's house for dinner and such, just like we do every year...but my aunt is MUCH more paranoid then I am...so if I don't get my act together today, she'll start to worry...and then she'll put it in my mom's head that something is wrong, and if she thinks there is then she'll ask, and then I'd have to tell her that nothing is wrong, and then she'd say that I'm lying and ask me why I won't tell her...and then I'd have to tell her that I couldn't tell her...which would only make her "worry" more...and then my father will suggest that I go see Dr. Kerr and then he'll probably stick me on some medication that won't work, and then with my luck it will have some weird side effect with my allergy meds that I have to take............

Which is why everything is pointless...because if one thing has a point, then everything else has a point too...so it's just easier if nothing has a point...

But then I wonder, 'if I keep thinking like this, is it only going to ensure that I spend the rest of my life alone?'......which is what's making me depressed in the first place...

Hm...I really don't think that it's a good thing when the song "Always" makes any sense at all...that and "The Red"....

Shelby got a new phone for Easter/her birthday from Brandon...she texted me yesterday to tell me about it, except I didn't answer at first because I didn't know it was her...

Emily just got done watching VH1's top 20 video countdown like she does EVERY FREAKING SATURDAY! and one of the songs was Natasha Bedingfield's "Soulmate" which includes the lyrics "everyone has a soulmate"....well I'm not sure how much of that I believe...

Maybe I should just stop now...no one should have to hear this...so just like no one will see me out of control, no one will hear me out of control either. So I guess that's the end of that.

Bayou Break It Down On The Shore To The Sound Of Music...

2009-04-10T08:32:00.000-07:00

I've decided that I don't know anything...I found out last week that the road that I thought was still West Side Saginaw isn't...

I've been listening to the Symphonic Band's portion of the winter concert lately...I'm not really sure why...probably because I like to criticize myself...not that I can really criticize myself on everything in the concert...

I want to know what happened to make them so angry...I didn't provoke them...but here they are...back with a vengance...but I suppose that it doesn't matter much...

I should practice...I want to be able to say that I'm first chair my senior year...even though I pretty much have no expectations to go past 6th...plus I need to practice for my make-up grade...

"You tend to fade into the background"...HA! That couldn't be more true...

I wish I could stop pretending...that I didn't have to keep everything from everyone...no, even better! I wish that I wasn't like this because then I wouldn't have to pretend at all...but I'm me and there's no way to change...so I guess I keep pretending.

My Song Is Love Unknown...

2009-04-09T18:25:00.000-07:00

Emily had her first Communion today...it's strange to think that she'll be coming up with mom and I now...but I guess that's just another thing that I'll get used too...

I had an interesting conversation with Sami today before I had to leave...she asked about what happened at the challenge, so I told her...and then she said something that I wouldn't have expected her to. She said that she thought that I would have won and that was why she was wondering...

She thinks I'm better than she is...that I'm really good at picc...well she doesn't know that it's taken me almost 3 years to get to where I am...

It's also strange to know that I actually taught someone something in the last few years...it's strange because I don't think I've ever really had someone come back and tell me that they learned anything from me...which might be the reason behind my feeling useless and like no one cares...

My mom suspects that she doesn't know much of what goes on...but then again...she is the "smart one" in the family...

I wish I could show people what I really am...only a few have ever seen a small part...and I have to keep that part locked up around Amber now, because she gets really creeped out and scared...and I can't really show Sam much because I don't know how much I can really trust her...so that basically leaves Emily and Taylor...and I don't like having to rely on my sister like that...and when I talk to Taylor, several people get mad...

I just took a quiz..."how will you die..." apparently I'm going to be ripped apart by zombies...and the sad part is...I can see how that would be true...

But I guess I shouldn't think at all...too many people end up hurt and confused when I do...

Just Let Them Think There's No Place Else You'd Rather Be

2009-04-06T16:09:00.000-07:00

Math class was interesting today...Mrs. Lescota let us work together on the worksheet...so of course...Nathan just has to come over and "ask for help..."

He asked me about things with Allen...that was a very interesting conversation...

Sidney just texted Emily...except Em is at Valley for band...so I'm stuck telling her that Em isn't here and that she'll text her later...

I think my mom is seriousy considering getting Verizon...and that means a better texting plan!!! Which also means that Amber and I wouldn't be spending as much of each other's money...

Which reminds me...she's supposed to ask her boss if he can give me a job...and if he can...I will be one step closer to financial freedom! Plus, if I get a free ride to Ferris...I'll be able to save up more money for a computer...and a few other things that I have planned...but with my luck I won't get ANY scholarships and I'll be stuck paying around $10,000 just for schooling...but I'll also have to pay for housing...and books...and food...and, and, and...........

Holl(e)y seems to be enjoying my story from 5th hour...except I think somethings need to get worked out...too much confusion at the moment...but I guess that's not much different...

"Has It Had A Chance To Sink In Yet?"

2009-04-05T14:10:00.000-07:00

Well...Emily is officially a communicant member of St. Paul now...and she officially got about $200 more than what I did...lucky SOB...

I have 'O Canada' stuck in my head...no thanks to my sister...

I'm pretty sure she thinks I'm dumb...and maybe I am...but oh well.

Amber is a little mad at me I think...she just found out that her plans for spring break next year aren't going to work out...then again...it's technically not MY fault that I can't go with her...

Sometimes I'm glad for the connections that I have...Amber might be able to get me a job where she works...which means that I could be getting paid around $8 an hour...sure it might not really be the best job ever, but I really can't complain...it'd help me get out of here faster...and it would help me pay for college...unless I'm fortunate enough to actually get a full ride...which I probably won't be, but...

It looks like I might not have to retake the ACT after all...my Aunt Holly said that at a 27 I'm already in the scholarship area...so I guess thank God for small favors...

I don't know why, but when my sister stood up to get confirmed today I felt like crying...I know my mom did, but that's my mom...she cries for just about everything like that...but I still don't understand why I felt like it...

Apparently Amber forgot to warn Jamie that my church is different...she told me later today that the first words out of Jamie's mouth when they got in the car were "that was weird"...and I suppose that to someone who either doesn't go to our church or hasn't been there before would find it a little strange...even I find our church a little strange...

I should probably be doing my chem homework considering I just got done telling all my relatives that I want to be a pharmacist...speaking of which...my godmother reminded me of the offer one of her "friends" who works as a pharmacist had made...she wants me to come down there to job shadow her, which, in all honesty, is nothing that I'd ever expect...so of course I'm going to take the offer, because what other opportunity is going to come up like that? Plus Sandy would probably throw a fit if I didn't go...she's always so concerned about schooling...except she never yells at my sister and I about our grades...

I just noticed that the VCR in here is wrong...it's an hour ahead...strange...

I feel very bad at the moment...guilty, actually, because I can't tell Amber or Emily anything...and I always tell them everything...but then again...I don't tell Emily as much as I tell Amber...but I hate keeping secrets from her...but this is one thing I have to keep...

They Say Freak...

2009-04-04T15:59:00.000-07:00

Yesterday afternoon was not pleasant...I got a text from Gabe asking if I had got my ACT score in the mail because he got his and he wanted to know how I did (which of coure, now he's mad at me...)...so after my mom, Emily and I got back from Saginaw, I got the mail and found the dreaded results...I did better than what I thought, and better than everyone I've talked to so far, but I hate that my score had to come 2 days before Emily gets confirmed...when my father is obsesed with my life...when most of his family is going to be in town for Em's confirmation...

So yesterday Emily wasn't very happy with our father...and she was acting like she wasn't happy with me...even though she claims she wasn't...and that I "deserve a 27..." HA! She doesn't know that...

She doesn't even understand why I'm so protective of her...she doesn't understand about "them" as I call them...I told her about their existance yesterday, but she just looked at me like I was crazy...she wouldn't think I was if she knew about them though...she'd know what they're capable of...of what they could do to her...of what they've done to me...

But anyway...I seriously think my mom is going to make me retake the ACT to try for a 29...she might not realize it, but she's almost exactly like my Aunt Holly in that respect...she made Sarah retake it (for the 3rd or 4th time) to try and get a 29 (which of course, being the perfect child in the family, she did)...of course, mom isn't going to admit that she wants me to retake it...she'll just say that it's my decision, but then she'll make her argument about how I might qualify for more scholarships or something if I do better.

Which reminds me of what she said to me last night before we left...she says that I have so much potential to do well, but she doesn't realize that I don't try harder, because I can't...at least not under these circumstances...not with her towering over me, telling me that I'm not good enough...

Now she thinks that I "don't feel well"...HA! She doesn't know the half of it.

Amber, April, Ashley, and Bree have all decided that they would go insane if they had to live with my mom. Either that, or we've collectively decided that their parents are much less strick than she is.

My mom told my sister that she needs to watch her mouth around our father sometimes because she can be "too mean." HA! There is no such thing as "too mean" with that man...but I just told her that she has a few years left to wait before she can say whatever she wants to him.

I think Amber was actually surprised when she found out that one of the first things I'm going to do when I turn 18 is tell my father to fuck off. I know she knew that I hate him, but I don't think she knew that I hate him that much.

The good with the bad...the only question is...is there enough good? Taylor would say there is...and half of me believes that...but the other half hates that man so much that it wonders if it's worth keeping an extra part of him around...

And now she decides to worry about depression issues...after I've been telling her for 2 years that I've felt depressed...except my mind really has made a switch...I need to thank him for that...I just don't know how he'd take it...and of course, being me, I fear the unknown...

I keep having random flashbacks to Wednesday...they seem to happen most frequently when something bad is happening...mostly, I think, because the memory keeps the bad from sinking in...

I'm kind of not looking forward to tomorrow...partially because I have to wear a friggin' skirt...ugh...oh well...it's for Emily...

It's strange to think that she thinks that I could live without her...and yet I don't think she knows that I'm seriously considering killing myself if I end up outliving her somehow...

She thinks that all mom and dad care about is me...well...ok...everyone knows that's true of our father...but all mom seems to be able to talk about is Emily, and how she worries about her, and about what happened with her...Emily doesn't understand that most of what happens is about her...or at least that I'm trying to do everything I can to make sure that she isn't being overshadowed by me...

She doesn't understand that dad only wins if she lets him...and her claiming that "he already has" is only letting him win even more...because she's giving up without a fight against him...but maybe this is one instance where she knows more than I do...maybe I should stop trying to fight what I am...maybe I should let him win for once...but then is that defeating the purpose?

*sigh*

More unanswered questions...

No More Thinking 'Bout The Could've Been...

2009-04-03T08:03:00.000-07:00

I think my mom's "concerned" about me again...and I can't really ask her why because I know why...my sister just had to blab to her that I hadn't had anything to eat yesterday during the day...well, when you aren't hungry you aren't supossed to eat...and so I want to know why one minute my mom is yelling at me telling me that I shouldn't be eating, and then the next she worried because I'm not.

My sister's freaking out...and I don't really blame her...if I were her I would, too. But I'm not her, and she's not me, so neither of us has anything to say for each other.

"I struggle with forward motion..." Thank you Relient K for that perfectly true statement...actually pretty much that entire song is true...

I hate storms...especially when they happen at 3 in the morning...then again, it's not like I wasn't awake anyway.

Amber has her party tonight. Technically I could walk there, but I think I'd look a little dumb walking down the street with a duffle bag...plus I'd have to cross West Side Saginaw Road and that's not really something I want to do...so I'll see if I can get one of my parents to give me a ride...

My mom's still mad at me for wanting to spend the night at her house...but honestly I need to get away from this area for a little while...sure Amber's house is still in the same county, but it doesn't look the same, which helps.

I wonder if it's possible to induce amnesia...hm...maybe I'll have to try that...or maybe I'll have to just fake it...faking it might not end up being so painful...

It's strange to think that when I put my iPod on shuffle, it always seems to bring up the songs that match my mood...I'm not really sure if that's a good thing, or if it's just plain weird...oh well...it works for me.

"We are broken. What must we do to restore all our innocence...? And I'll take the truth at any cost." HA! So true...

And then my iPod freezes...I hate it when it does that...

More Relient K...how pleasant...

I guess I better go find something to eat so that my mom isn't "worried" and yelling at me later because I didn't...

Is This A Dream? If It Is, Please Don't Wake Me From This High...

2009-04-02T17:58:00.000-07:00

My parents raised my sister and I wrong...granted, my sister isn't quite as much of a screw up as I am...she was planned after all...even though "you were wanted...just not necessarily quite that soon..." HA! They never wanted me...they still don't...

My mom's pissed at me right now because I asked her if I could spend the night at Amber's on Friday after we go bowling for her birthday...the only reason she's mad is because Sunday is Em's confirmation and she wants me around because I actually know how to clean things and such, unlike my sister...I swear she's going to die when she goes off to college...then again...who even knows if she'll go to college...

Emily currently has a "gay boyfriend" as I'm calling him right now...he annoys the crap out of her...and most of her classmates think he's gay...but from what she tells me, he keeps flirting with her...which is why I call him her "gay boyfriend..." Except she has a little problem with him...she's caught him cheating on several different school related assignments/tests...well...apparently it's not the first time he's cheated...but she's got the issue of whether or not to tell Mr. Eisman or Mrs. Wyman...

And now my sister is yelling at me...why can't I get away from the madness?!

It's especially frustating because she's telling me that I should be writing about my "2 boyfriends..." She doesn't even know what she's talking about! In fact...I'm wondering if she even really understood my problem before...so I guess it shouldn't surprise me much that she doesn't get it now...

Then again...I'm not really sure if I understand anything right now...so I guess it's not really very right for me to expect other people to get it when I don't...

At least I find comfort talking to people who don't know anything about what's going on...it's nice to know that it really is possible to be so completely clueless...if only I was...

My Own Private Prison...

2009-04-01T16:00:00.000-07:00

Just as the main character in the end of "It's Kind Of A Funny Story," my mind has made "the switch..." I don't know...I just feel...different...like I'm thinking more in from the front of my brain, rather than the back...

As I sit here and listen to my sister practicing, I'm realizing that there is a war going on inside me...my body is screaming at my mind, telling it it wants more...while my mind is screaming back saying that it can't have more...

It's difficult today to try to distract my thoughts...to try to hide what happened from my mom and my sister...I'm not going to tell them, though. They would both freak out. So I'm basically going to sit here and...well...suffer isn't the right word...I'm basically going to sit here and let the silent war continue, hoping that I don't end up killing myself from the inside out, and hoping that my mom and/or sister don't figure out that something is up.

I don't want to want more...and I sure as heck am not going to ask...so I'll wait.

Amber played a really mean practical joke on me today...she sent me a text saying "we're done being friends! How could you do this to me? You lying, backstabbing monster!..." Or something to that effect...the sad part is that I thought she was serious...but yeah...she's not really mad at me for something that I didn't do and we're still friends.

Penny absolutely loved me when I got home...it's not very often that any of us bring home new scents for her...

Tiffy was "mad" at my mom today because she wasn't at handbells yesterday because she had to go to some class thing for food prep or whatever. Needless to say, by the end of church, she was talking to my mom again. *rolls eyes* That girl needs to grow up...she's 20, and yet my sister is more mature than she is sometimes.

Speaking of my sister...as she practices, I also realize that I either have come a very long way from where I was in 8th grade, or she is much worse than I ever was...I'm not really sure what happened either...last year she sounded really good, and now...well...it's not very pretty...

But maybe that's just me and I've gotten so used to hearing the South German Philharmonic Orchestra that nothing else sounds very good...

It's very strange and funny to think that both of them have more in common than what they think...well...my most recent discovery is that neither of them can do vibrato...hm...that's probably spelled wrong, but right now I couldn't care less...but still...

I wish my mom hadn't found any books at the library when she went last...either that or I wish she could read faster...she hasn't read Eclipse yet, and I sorta, kinda already told someone I'd bring it Monday for them to read...and I can't really tell her that I did because then she'll just get mad at me and ask me why I'm lending out my stuff...but that's just me...I can't really tell anyone "no..."

That might be my downfall one day...I'm going to get asked to do something so completely stupid that I could get myself killed, but I won't be able to say no...

Although...I already know why I can't...I don't like to hurt people more than what I or whoever else has to...

Which reminds me of something from...well...I guess it would be this afternoon, technically...he said he wasn't expecting a good-bye before I left because I don't like to hurt people...but I'm not sure if he realizes that it would only hurt worse if I didn't say good-bye...

HA! Music major! My father already made that mistake. I'm not going to make the same...

Speaking of my father, now...I just remembered that I apparently have either very good guessing abilities, I have a 6th sense, or I actually got lucky for once...basically what happened was he came back from running some errands with a new pair of shoes...well...my mom, Emily, and I all took a guess as to how much they were...I was $3 off...

I'm closer to a decision on what I'm going to change my name to...my last name, that is...I plan on keeping my first...I just hope that things don't get very mixed up...

But then again...not much isn't mixed up anymore...so I guess it doesn't matter much...

Rette mich...

2009-03-31T16:55:00.000-07:00

There's so much on my mind...but so little that I can actually write...and even less that I can tell someone...

I'm trying to decide how I got in this fine mess...oh right. It all started over Christmas Break...God...why can't I keep my mouth shut?!!

Then again...I have found a few loop holes...I plan on asking my mom if I can go to the library tomorrow...of course the library doesn't open until noon, so what else can I do before then? Well...I can pay a friend a visit...

Except I'm not really sure what good the visit is going to do...or if I even will...it'll probably just be a huge waste of time...but if I don't go...then there won't be any proof...but I can't prove anything right now...well...I guess I could, but it wouldn't be as "enjoyable..."

So what am I to do?...ok...no one answer that, please...I dread what other people think more than the thought of what I might be about to do...

So I've decided that I'm officially obsessed with David Cook...I just put about 7 songs or so in my MySpace playlist...but then I remember that I have more Relient K songs than I do David Cook and I think "ok...so maybe I'm not as obsessed with David Cook as I think..." and then I also remember that David Cook only has 1 album out and Relient K has, like, 7 or 8...maybe more...idk...I've never actually counted...

Why am I so stupid?...ok...don't answer that either...but seriously...why was I stupid enough to actually tell him that I wanted him?...oh right...it's because I live with idiots and it's rubbing off on me!

Maybe I should just give up...or give in...or however you want to look at it...

Maybe I should look at it as a "good-bye my almost lover" sort of thing...

Maybe I should just not do anything and let what happens happen...

I don't know what to do anymore...

She Drowns In Her Dreams

2009-03-30T07:54:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was what we call "questioning Sunday..." And by some strange whatever you want to call it, my sister got to say the 3rd commandment, just like I did...except she only hesitated...she didn't screw up like I did...

It amazes me how much I actually remember of those questions now...and it's also amazing that I caught Cody when he was wrong, even though Pastor Theiss accepted the answer...God I don't like Cody. At least he's going to Valley and not Western...then again...I'm sure all the "drug dealers" kept him from wanting to come to Western.

It's been quiet so far today...of course...it helps that it's only 11:30 in the morning and I've only been up for 3 1/2 hours...but of course, the quiet will end soon enough...the mattress my father just had to have will be arriving between 12 and 3, so that means I get to wake him up...which means that he won't go back to sleep in the trailor...which means that I'll have to turn my music off...which means that I'm going to be very grumpy later...and then my mom will get mad at me because I'm grumpy and "getting snippy" with her and then my sister will get mad because I'm mad and she'll claim that I'm taking my anger out on her and "why do I hate her" and......well....it just keeps going...

I'm trying to decide when my mom is going to pick up my sister's cake...because when she does I want to go back to the library...except she might not go until Saturday...except I don't think the bakery is open on Saturday...which means she'd probably go on Friday...but Friday doesn't give me a lot of time to read more books...so maybe I'll go Wednesday...

Next Sunday is confirmation...Emily's excited for getting this whole thing done and over with...but she isn't looking forward to her first communion...she doesn't like wine...

Then again...I didn't like it at first either...but it's not bad after you get used to it...

I think she might wish that she was Catholic for that fact...Catholic's can refuse the cup...Lutheran's don't really do that...

I feel like a nerd...I switched my iPod language to German on Saturday...

I had a strange dream last night...one that I'd really rather not relive...although...I don't think my mom can yell as much as she did in my dream.......

It's strange...I have so much on my mind...yet I can't find anything to write...

Guess I better get ready for the guys with the mattress...

Beyond The Sea...He's There, Waiting For Me...

2009-03-28T17:16:00.000-07:00

I'm so very happy that I don't have to worry about keeping everyone from killing each other now...except now I have to kill my father...

He was so friggin' embarassing today! Not only did he act as if he knew everything about music and crap (when everyone knows he doesn't)...but he had to make me feel like the adult and like he was the child!

Tell me. What adult goes around smacking his oldest daughter's oldest friend's boyfriend on the butt? Seriously!!! And of course...it can't stop there! Then he goes to one of my current friends and tries to "help him relax!"

Let's just say that today was the first time in my life that I've actually told my dad that I was going to throw him down a friggin' hallway...I don't think he was very happy with me for saying that in front of Gabe's parents, but I honestly couldn't care less about what they think. They're almost as bad as my father is, as far as I'm concerned.

My mom says that I can't kill him until after she does...but I'm blood to him. I get first dibs...she can get a divorce and never have to have another thing to do with that man...but I've got half of him in me, as much as I don't like it...so I get to kill him first.

HA! My sister just called my father GAY to his face! Talk about funny! And to think that he thinks that it's only us joking about us hating him and thinking that he's gay and such...more to laugh about I guess.

I'm rather tired suddenly...yet my brain is still going at a billion miles an hour...oh well...I'm sure that it'll catch up with my body eventually.

"What's the matter, Shelby? Never Seen One That Big?"

2009-03-27T19:02:00.000-07:00

Hm...so the last 2 or 3 days have pretty much been about nothing other than sex...not the act of...just thoughts and jokes and such...and Amber and Bree found out that my mind is much dirtier than they thought...hee hee?

I actually told him most of what I have planned for the future...except he did throw something else in that I hadn't seen coming...if it still stands that is...which, if things end up like I think they will then it won't be standing for long...I guess I can still hope, though...

I really do regret treating him so poorly...which is why I'm hoping my little surprise that I have planned for a few years from now helps make things better...even if it is only marginally...

I worry for my sister...I'm sure whoever does end up reading this thing has heared of the whole "hold a gold necklace and do whatever with it to see how many/what kind of kids your having" thing...well...I've tried it...and my sister has tried it...and it reacts differently to her...so I'm worried that I'm going to end up being the mother while my sister (who is MUCH more motherly in almost every aspect) ends up with nothing...the only other possible reasons for it reacting different is that 1. she's too young yet... OR 2. her energy that she gives off is different than mine...

I really hope it's just one of the other reasons...she'll be crushed if I end up casting a shadow over her in that respect, too...I don't want to be the source of any more grief in her life...

Apparently I'm going to be the one to make lots of money and then Amber and Bree are going to move in with me...and apparently I need a chandalier in my house...then again...I wouldn't really mind that...I guess that's just one more thing that we'll have to see about...

She really is sorry for dragging him into this whole mess...none of us intended for that to happen...

I took this quiz on Facebook..."what does your eyes say" (even though that's not really proper english, but hey...what do I know?)...my result was "mysterious" with the explanation of "you can keep people guessing what your thinking and what goes on behind enemy lines..." Whatever that means...

My mom still isn't very happy about the whole Facebook thing...but it shouldn't be that hard to convince her that I deleted the account...at least I hope...

I kind of can't wait until New Years Eve...I'm actually thinking about doing something completely against several rules my mom holds over my head...then again...by that point I'll be 18 and she technically (as far as the government's concerned anyway) won't have any control over me...

Tomorrow's going to be interesting...I just wish it was easier to kill people with a flute (without damaging said flute or getting a ton of blood all over the place...) Of course, there are the 2 others that I would spare if it came down to that. Felisha and Sarah haven't done anything to piss me off...so they can live.

Please, Dear God, Just Shoot Me Now!

2009-03-26T12:26:00.000-07:00

I'm so friggin' frustrated right now!!! We had our last practice for the flute sextet before state today and NOTHING FRIGGIN' GOT DONE!!! The only thing we managed to accomplish is get everyone else even more pissed at each other than before.

I agree with Shelby when she says that Sam's being a bitch. But I can kind of see where Sam is coming from, too...it does sound better when we go at a faster tempo, though. Except then Sam gets all mad and says that the tempo isn't as important as the articulation and the dynamics, which I agree to a certain point, and she starts throwing a fit and making us go slower and then Shelby gets mad because it's too slow and then and then and then......it just keeps going!

And here Sarah and I are, trying to stay out of the middle of it but trying to settle it all and I feel like everyone is getting mad at me because I'm trying to actually fix some of the stuff and trying to compromise and make everyone happy and it just isn't working!!!

And then, Sam has to introduce the idea of adding color to what we're wearing for state and then there's always someone that doesn't have the proposed color. So then things get difficult in that respect, too! What was wrong with just black and white? Yes, it's boring, but NO ONE CARES WHAT THE CRAP WE'RE WEARING!!!

I hate all of this...I'll be SO glad when Saturday is done and over with...

Still In The Dark, Can You Fix Me?

2009-03-25T15:44:00.000-07:00

HA! I feel nonexistant...I'm not really sure why that's funny, but it is...yet at the same time I'm getting more and more depressed...

Things are different now...and I'm not sure if it's a good different or a bad different...

German was interesting today...the look on Mrs. Fritzler's face when she saw the Princess Bride DVD cover...and to think that at least 1 thing that's never happened before happened during that class, too...ok...so it's possible that 2 things happened...but still...

I'm trying to decide what the rest of the sentance is...when he was saying that Megan doesn't hate me...strange...

Felisha paid me a compliment just now...she said that I remind her of her...which is kind of even stranger than Megan not hating me...

Emily's acting a little bipolar lately...I think part of her wants to dump all my problems on Taylor, and part of her wants to keep me away from him...

I think we both need to learn when to give up...

"Death, thou shalt die"

2009-03-22T18:05:00.000-07:00

I'm getting tired of hurting, although I'm used to it now...5 years of continuous pain...

I can't be helped...I know that people think that they can try and help, but I know that no one can. It's a little funny to think that 2 of the most important people in my life...the 2 people that tried to help...are practically enemies...

But once again...that's not much different...all my friends hate each other...

I've decided that Shelby's changed...almost beyond recognition...the Shelby I used to know wouldn't have forgotten to grab her flute before she left.

I'm not his slave. And yes. It's going to take a lot of convincing to get me to sucumb. And my sister isn't going to try to convince me. In a way, I think she enjoy's my relying on her. I know that I don't enjoy dumping all my crap on her...but when I don't I end up dumping it on whatever poor sucker is talking to me at the time.

I wish I could say everything that I want to. Most of it wouldn't make sense, though...most of what I think doesn't either...maybe that's why I'm so confused all the time...

I need more self-control...

When All Else Fails...

2009-03-21T15:09:00.000-07:00

...try drowning out reality with loud music...when that fails...don't just listen to any kind of music...listen to Tchaikovsky...if/when that fails...shoot yourself in the head.

How can he say that I'm not me when I'm happy? And how can he just expect me to stop being happy just because he's tired of me being happy?

I hate to break it to him but this used to be me before. This was me when I was still in grade school. So who is he to say that I'm not me when I'm happy?

God! I'm just so pissed right now!!!

And it doesn't exactly help when you've got 2 people either texting you or emailing you asking if they can use your/your mom's flute because they either don't have theirs or theirs is broken.

I'm sick of fixing everything!!! I'm sick of having to either be the solution or come up with a solution!

Why can't people just leave me alone for once? Why can't they just figure things out on their own? It's not like they care what happens to me when they dump all their crap on me. Well guess what people! When you tell me these kinds of things I feed off of whatever emotion your giving off. That in turn becomes my mood. Most of the time, however, people are too blind to see that I'm continually in pain. Either that, or it isn't very obvious.

I'm sick of pretending. I'm sick of having to hide. I'm sick of having the kind of memory that saves everything in detail. That keeps things locked up for years and years and never lets them go.

I'm going to end up remembering this rage. This blind fury. The want to scream at whoever gets in my way first.

...The want to kill...

There's no way that I'm going to be able to control myself for much longer. Not at the rate that I'm using up my self-control.

I think I'm going to have to resort to Tchaikovsky soon...but with my mood at the moment...I'm going to end up having to shoot myself in the head.

Although "Hate Sweet Hate" is helping a little bit.

"From the cold darkness, you couldn't resist." Meaning (to me at least) that I couldn't resist the dark. I had been in the light for so long that the dark looked interesting...and now I'm messed up.

Nothing can change the past. The past is as concrete as the present. And the present was the future. Which means that the future is as concrete as the past.

Well guess what. It's my turn to defy nature. I'm breaking my future. The concrete is no more.

Ah, sweet Tchaikovsky! What I wouldn't give for the music to some of his pieces...then I could legaly deafen some people.

NO! God friggin' dammit! Why is everything so strange now? Why did December have to happen? I think that was the start of all of this...

At least I know that I won't have to resort to shooting myself in the head...for now...

Speaking of music and such...I need to copy Thriller for Shelby...God, I hate being dependable...I blame my mother. She's got it so pounded in my head that I need to do what I promise that I can't stop myself...

Maybe I'll just go to my room and attempt to play the opera piece we got last week or whenever it was...I might feel a lot better after I blast an Ab.

Maybe my anger today will only cause me to be in a better mood tomorrow...I'm sure he would love it if I was. In fact, I think I'm going to do everything in my power to ensure that I am. Maybe I should start by making a list of all the things that I have to laugh about. On second thought...that'd probably take too long.

Monday is the start of second year's NPTD celebration. I'm sure that will be fun.

I signed Emily and myself up for a cabin...to think that she's going to be a freshman...and to think that soon she'll be off down the isle...I think that that might be the only way that I'll come back. I don't think that I could otherwise. Besides. There's nothing else left for me here. All I have yet to do is wait.

I hate that my anger works the way it does. It goes away for a little while and then it flares back up just as I start to think that I'm calm again...

Let the adrenaline come...I'll need it later on...like tomorrow...

Boy, is tomorrow going to be fun...for me...not everyone else, of course.

OMFG!!! More for me to be responsible for! Now Shelby can't get to the bandroom before the parade and of course...I have to be the one to supply her with a flute! And not only does Shelby need a flute...but Felisha does, too! I know it's not Felisha's fault that her flute is broken. But it is Shelby's fault that she didn't think far enough ahead.

Why can't people think for themselves?!!

Everyone Has A Secret

2009-03-20T17:44:00.000-07:00

I'm so very torn at the moment...part of me wants to continue with all of this...and part of me wants to just come out and tell him the truth...but the part of me that doesn't want me to tell him is asking me if he would tell R.G. everything...

He confused me at lunch today...shocked me, I guess, would be the more appropriate term...I wasn't quite expecting what I got...

Which only makes me feel more guilty...

Tomorrow's going to be interesting...

At least Amber's feeling better now, so it's still a possiblity that I'll get to see her tomorrow before everything else happens...

I find it a little funny that Holl(e)y and I sit in the same desk for chem. Let the random notes to each other begin!!!

Wow...I guess "begin" wouldn't really be right word...."continue" might be more appropriate.

That reminds me of my freshman year..."the magic green notebook!" HA! I still have that somewhere...All of the wasted paper talking about "coffee and cream..."

We went to my grandpa's house today after we left Munger...I fell asleep in one of his kitchen chairs...at least my back feels a little better now...

I swear I'm going to castrate my "father" one of these days. It probably wouldn't be that hard either...that man could sleep through a hurricane...

God, I wish I could deny my family...I wish that my father wasn't really my father...I might not be as hesitant about some things if he wasn't...

I need another hug I think...either that or I need someone or something to make up my mind for me...maybe some reassurance, too...that he wouldn't kill me...because it would be me that he'd want to kill...and yet I still find myself believing what I said before...

At least I hope I can believe what I said before...I now have a new story to share...one that would seem more plausible then what I had come up with before...

"From the cold darkness you could not resist..." I don't understand why or how this applies...

Then again...what's one more thing to not understand?